The Good Ol' Days

9:15 pm...

I had a pretty crappy day today. I'll be 10 weeks on Monday, and I guess that I'm just overwhelmed because it seems like nothing went right today and on top of all that, I started to miss my parents. I got sad and weepy because they're not here to meet Nick and help me with the wedding, as well as congratulate me and Nick on the baby. I know they'd be happy that I finally found someone to settle down and have a family with someone (definitely not from Bayfield).

But, they're gone. They're dead on the couch in the living room at home. I didn't say goodbye. Their last words to me was "we'll see you tomorrow, Lillian." I never saw them again and I miss them and I want to go home, where I don't have to worry about some devil incarnate threatening to nuke our new community and I don't have to worry about my fiance being a politician. I want to go home.

I've been taking it easy with the physical stuff. I don't chase after Sophie a great deal and I've taken up the art of extreme sitting. In about two weeks, I'll up the physical stuff again. For now, I just want to be careful. I want to get to 12 weeks and I'll be fine. I pray everyday that I get to 12 weeks without any complications. Early in the pregnancy, I was still very active and even after the spotting incident, I still overdid at times. Now, I've done almost a complete 360. I just want this baby to be safe.

Nick is doing a little better. It was just a normal cold. He still has a day or two to go, but he's going to be fine. I don't think we communicate as well as we used to. Maybe we'll get that fixed during the time he's at home. We won't be doing much else, so I think this is the best time to work on our communication. I know that sounds strange to say, a deaf-mute man working on communication with his fiancee, who can hear and talks a lot, but I feel much more comfortable with him than I do with, say, Larry Underwood.

I'm heading to bed now. Good night all.

Lucky, Lucky Me

11:57 pm...

I have to be one of the luckiest women in this new world. Nick was gone for most of the day, but we did spend some time together before he went to sleep. He said he was coming down with a cold and two thoughts crossed my mind instantaneously. The first thought was that he had a late strain of Captain Trips and I was going to watch him die. The second thought was I was glad he doesn't have Captain Trips, but I had to keep the baby safe. I think he was thinking along those lines as well because he offered to sleep in the guest bedroom until he felt better. Since I'm used to sleeping with him in our bed, I asked him to sleep with me tonight. We didn't have sex tonight, but I think he was just too tired and sick to care. So, we went to bed.

I don't sleep well, despite the fatigue I've been having. I take naps during the day, so it's harder for me to actually go to sleep at night, which is I'm blogging instead of sleeping next to my wonderful fiance.

I find it odd sometimes that I can communicate with someone who can't hear or talk to me better than someone that can hear and/or talk to me. It's definitely odd, but wonderful at the same time. I told Nick earlier tonight that I was sad about the sonogram issue I've been having, and the first thing he says is that he'll ask Dr. Ellis if we can use the genny (generator, for those who are wondering) to have one. Isn't he wonderful or what?

I also find myself very comfortable with our comfortable silences. I know that most of the time we spend together is silent, but it can be terribly uncomfortable when we have our uncomfortable silences and it can be so welcoming when we have comfortable silences. I look at Nick when we're in the middle of comfortable silences and I think about how beautiful he is and how beautiful our little boy or girl will be just from his genes alone. I'm pretty, but I didn't conceive little Rudy or Hope by myself. Luckily, I found someone who is gentle and sweet and protective of our little family.

The Cheese Blog

9:44 pm...

I miss cheese. I know this is the last thing I should write a blog about, but that's the thing I miss about being in Wisconsin. I heard California has some really awesome cheese, but Wisconsin cheese is what I'm craving big time. A nice big double cheeseburger with chili cheese fries sounds so fucking good right now. I can't wait for the electricity to be turned on. Also, a nice wheel of Brie would be Heaven sent.

My family was seafood lovers and I was a cheese lover. I could basically take or leave seafood, but if someone sent me some Brie or made some mac and cheese, I was in seventh heaven. I used to hate cheese when I was little. I wouldn't even eat cheese for money but when I had my first bite of my friend's lasagna, I instantly fell in love. After that, I went into the pursuit of finding good cheese. I am now a really big fan of Brie, Mozzarella, Provolone, American, Cheddar and Gouda.

Unfortunately, it's impossible for me to have any of those cheeses right now because the refrigerators are not on and all of the cheeses are rancid. I can't even have milk right now and I've had to settle with orange juice w/calcium, or prenatal vitamins and Vitamin Water or Propel or Snapple or whatever drink that doesn't need to be refrigerated. I'm too afraid to double up on the prenatal vitamins because I don't want to hurt the baby. I've also become a little avoid-y of sex with Nick. I can tell he's itching to have sex with me, but I might have become a little paranoid. It's not like Nick and I were into rough, S & M sex, but I can now see why he was suddenly so careful once we found out about the baby. In three weeks, he'll get the time of his life, though.

I'll be 9 weeks pregnant in two days. If I can just get to the second trimester without any problems, I will be so happy. I just keep telling myself "Three weeks, Lily. Three weeks and I'll be out of the woods." I'm anxious just thinking about it.

Well, it's time for me to go to sleep. I'm going to be teaching Sophie how to count in the morning. My brilliant little girl already learned how to read and soon, I'm going to teach her how to tie her shoes.

Bride to Be

11:28 pm...

Yesterday, I asked Nick to marry me. It's been pretty busy during the last week or so, so there hasn't been many posts. I also haven't done a lot of writing because this is my own little memoir that was only supposed to be as long as my travels were. However, there are times when I feel that I need to write something. This is one of those days. I've been on cloud nine since he said yes. I know that it's traditional for him to ask me, but I'm a little impatient and the big meeting a few days ago brought everything into perspective for me.

Harold Lauder decided to propose that all of the committee members should work on a more permanent basis, and Nick didn't turn it down. There was a part of me that felt (a little) like a fool because Nick has been telling me that he couldn't wait to get off of the council so he can spend time with me and Sophie. However, I can't say that I blame him because I know that he wants to make sure that Boulder is functioning properly. When we first got together and before then, his concern was for everyone, the people. So, I understand the logic and I hope that after some time, especially when it gets closer to having the baby, he'll ease off of the committee work to spend time with us.

(By the way, I hate Harold Lauder, and I can tell that he's not exactly fond of me. He probably thinks that I'm less than Fran Goldsmith, the object of his affection, but she's not with him, is she?)

You know the saying, "You can't make a whore into a housewife?" Well, I guess you can. Nick did. I know that I shouldn't call myself a whore, but I'm a realistic woman. I'm young and I had fun when I was single. I wasn't looking to commit to anyone, but things changed and I realized that it was time to roll with the punches or go insane in the midst of dead bodies somewhere between Wisconsin and Illinois. There were some things that I wish were different, some things that I wished never happened, but I think I learned from it and I'm better because of it. When it comes to sex and relationships, I'm done. No more casual sex or frivolousness. This is it: my first, last and only serious relationship. I love this man and I want to marry him. I would say that I wanted to carry his children, but I'm already doing that.

It's way past when I would normally go to sleep, but I'm floating and giggly. I have to tell someone, even if it's just me in this journal. Well, good night all.

That Old Nagging Feeling

11:25 pm...

I spent today wondering how life would be if I hadn't changed. I was quite happy with my life before the accident, screwing any man I could get my hands on and being carefree. With the exception of my parents' feelings, I didn't care what anyone thought. Then, the accident happened. I didn't have much time to consider if I would have changed once I was fully recovered, because Captain Trips came blowing in and wiped most of everyone out. Then, Michael came along. I guess that was maybe my chance to become monogamous. However, he turned out to be the wrong guy for me. He went to Vegas and I met Nick, who is always wonderful to me, even when we're arguing.

For the most part, I'm happy with him, with Sophie and the baby on the way, with my life in general. He gave me the greatest necklace yesterday and afterwards, we were very passionate and intimate and it was one of the best nights I've had recently. However, I got the feeling today that made me question how my life would be if I hadn't encountered Nick or if I had left Sophie with Lisa and Peter. If I had been with Michael, I would've surely went to Vegas. From what I hear, it's not all it's cracked up to be, but it would've been my life. I would've only been responsible for myself.

I'm getting bigger now. It's becoming more evident that I'm growing a life within me. I try harder to stay careful. I'm totally the opposite of how I used to be. I would find ways to be reckless. Now, I'm careful, and the careful life is boring at times. Since Michael's death last week, Nick's probably thought that I've been acting weird and distant because of it. I'm not upset about it. I did think about Michael a lot this week, but I've realized he wouldn't have listened to me, no matter how hard I tried. I've also thought that Nick was being weird and distant. He said that it had something to do with the council meeting last week, so I left it at that. I don't want to know, unless it's going to continue to weigh down on him, but we're trying.

Sometimes, I feel the need to argue with Nick, just so I can feel like we're not perfect. We used to be different, less than perfect. I don't feel like we're perfect all of the time, but there has been moments when I wonder if we are like how other people here in Boulder see us. Amanda Jacobs, the town's gossip, has probably told anyone that would listen about my pregnancy. Some of the other women look at me with fascination or jealousy, like I'm just as powerful as Mother Abagail or I'm some town slut that's persuaded Nick to make me an honest woman.

When I was at the library yesterday, a woman named Kelsey Moore came up to me and addressed me as Mrs. Andros. She asked me how I felt about Nick choosing Fran Goldsmith over me in the council. I told her that I didn't want to be in the council and she looked at me with this look on her face, this knowing look. What did she know? I have no clue, but it seemed to me that in her mind, Nick is JFK and I'm Jackie O; the silent, unsuspecting wife who says nothing, even when something's wrong. If Kelsey thinks all of that just because of the council, I wonder what she thinks when I'm with Sophie and Nick's not around.

I'm tired. I'm done with thinking. I'm going to bed.

A Day Off

2:11 am...

Nick took the day off today, and I have to admit that I had fun with him and Sophie. We spent the day at the park and at home, playing board games. Sophie has grown fond of Nick, which makes me happy because we can become one seamless family if Nick and I can get Sophie to adjust to us and the baby. She was an only child, like Nick and I were, so we're going to have to watch her to make sure that she is comfortable with being a big sister. She seems to be fine, but things can change.

Nick seemed to be alright with taking the day off. He didn't seem to miss the maintenance shed or the power plant, and he didn't take a lot of notes. If he wasn't enjoying himself, he didn't show it. His attention was on me, Sophie and the baby. The one thing that did annoy me was that he kept asking if I was okay. It's bad enough when he asks me before, after and during the time that we're intimate, but he doesn't need to ask when I'm doing nothing more than extreme sitting. I understand that I did have that scare over a week ago, but I've been taking it easy. It would annoy the hell out of him if I kept asking him if he was okay.

Okay, enough with the ranting because it could be worse. Nick could be a violent jerk who would want me to find a way to get rid of the baby. He could be slapping me around, no matter if I was pregnant or not. If asking me if I'm okay is the worst, I'm lucky as hell.

I've been thinking a lot about names for baby girls. I'm not looking at names for boys because it's either going to be Nick Jr. or Rudy. The other day, the name Ruby popped up and today, it was Hope. I like the name Hope because that was what Nick gave me when I was traveling to Nebraska to meet him. The baby gave us hope for a wonderful future. If it's a girl, I'll name her Hope Ruby. Isn't that a pretty name?

The Carnival is Over

11:11 pm...

Any allusions that I have had about my relationship with Nick have completely diminished. I'm not going to lie. There had been a period of time when I was sure that our relationship was nothing more than physical and eventually, I'd be ready to move on from him. I'd thought that I was fooling myself into loving him and believing that all of his sentiments and honesty was fine, but not what I wanted for myself and my survival. The pregnancy was something that I knew was a possibility but still a surprise to me and Nick nonetheless. Even when I was terrified of losing the baby, I still thought that I would raise the baby and Sophie alone. I guess that all of my assumptions have changed.

Right now, I am sitting in the bedroom that I share with Nick, and I am terrified. There is no reason for me to be terrified other than the fact that there is a man out west in Las Vegas who probably wants to destroy everyone here in Boulder. More and more people come here everyday with a newfound hope and sense of being now that the hard part is over and they've gotten to where they needed to be. However, no-one can deny the fact that if we dreamed about Mother Abigail and she was real, that means that Flagg is real as well. If we're not proactive in trying to stop him, none of us here in Boulder will survive. That includes not only my unborn child but Fran Goldsmith's and children that belongs to any other pregnant women here. I guess that's why Nick is steadfast in trying to create the committee.

I've been dreading that moment, when the committee would be created and Nick would be consumed with plans that the committee will undoubtedly come up with because he is the leader of the Free Zone. The word "committee" makes me cringe, but I understand Nick's need to get the ball rolling. The electricity is still not on and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person who is ready to stop eating canned foods. Besides that, more things need to be done. Boulder needs a doctor because no matter how hard Dick studies, he is still just a veterinarian. The freecycle shop that Lucy Swann and Dayna Jurgens opened is a success, but the grocery stores need to be cleaned out because the spoiled food smells horrid. Kids need to go to school, so there has to be plans to create one and above all of these things that need to be done, we need to figure out what Flagg has planned for us. Ladies and Gentlemen, the carnival is over. It's time to get back to real life.

I guess the reason why I'm writing this journal entry, after not writing in a long time and promising myself that I wouldn't need to write anymore, is because I saw the future. I took a nap today while Nick was hard at work on whatever he was doing, and I had a dream. I dreamt of Nick 20 years from now, when society is up and running, and we are just regular people again. He would no longer be "The Leader of the Boulder Free Zone." He would just be Nicholas Andros and I would just be Lily Austen, or Lily Andros, depending on what happens now. Our son or daughter would most likely be in college and Sophie would most likely be out in the world, maybe married with children. We will most likely have more children after this baby and they would probably be between adulthood and adolescence. The friendships that we have now would probably be gone as the people that we have met here would undoubtedly go back to their hometowns or other places more foreign than Boulder. It was a good dream.

That dream will never come true if Randall Flagg has anything to do with it. He is planning something and though he is strong, he isn't strong enough to just wipe us out with a snap of his finger. He will get some of the people there in Las Vegas to do it for him. One of those people may be Julie Lawry, the woman that once tried to kill Nick before. That scares me more than anything. I can be healthy as a horse and this pregnancy can be completely effortless, but none of that will matter if, and when, Flagg acts out his plan to obliterate us. I shouldn't be worried about any of this, as this is Nick's job now, but I love him and he is the father of my baby. When he worries, I worry.

I should get some sleep now, because tomorrow is another day with a whole new set of joy, pain, issues and concerns.

Maternal Instincts

9:58 pm...

I should be asleep, but I'm not. Since I found out that I was pregnant, I haven't had a lot of sleep. I've caught up with sleep while Nick has been making his rounds, leading and whatnot, when I'm not shopping for new things for the house. It's really coming along. Just yesterday, Nick helped me put some flowers above the doorways. Also, I started painting again. I haven't painted since I was about 17 or 18. It felt good to go back to painting. It really, really did. I finished a painting in one day, on and off. Mind you, it wasn't a big, massive painting, but it was a painting nonetheless.

I started working on the nursery today. Nick hasn't seen it, though. I was going to show him today, but he was really tired because he'd had such a long day. He was taking care of issues concerning vandalism and getting the electricity turned back on. I didn't want to bug him about something as small as the nursery in progress, not tonight. However, I am thankful that Peter helped with some of the baby furniture that we "bought" from the store.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel like my relationship with Nick hasn't changed when we found out about the pregnancy. Maybe it was just a bad time, with the reorganization of Boulder happening right now, but I can't get un-pregnant. I mean, Nick has gotten...tentative with handling me. He's so nervous when it comes to certain things and I know that it's because he can't hear me, but I really wish that he would trust that I would let him know if he is doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable. He always tells me that it shouldn't get to that point, but I don't think that he understands that it hasn't gotten to that point and I don't think that it ever will. I mean, there has been some moments when he seems to be more comfortable with me, but it's getting a little far and few between. In some ways, our relationship has improved dramatically, but I'm starting to wonder if Nick thinks that I've changed now that I'm going to have a baby.

Maybe I have changed. Maybe I've gotten so protective of this baby that I'm neglecting my relationship with him. In the meantime, I've been spending so much time with Sophie, trying to prepare her for when she becomes a big sister while Nick's working on the BFZ. He needs me to encourage him and help him, not bombard him with wallpaper patterns and other kinds of baby stuff. I just don't want it to get to the point where we're in separate bedrooms, living separate lives before the baby comes. I think that's one of my biggest fears besides the ones that I have about the baby.

On the other hand, I learned some new things about Nick. For instance, he is a Scorpio and his middle name is Phillip. Please, do not ask me why I was just asking him about this stuff, now that I am pregnant. There are circumstances which I don't wish to divulge in. He's not a sports guy, either. That was a bit of a relief to hear. He also likes history museums, zoos and he used to like cycling, which isn't a big surprise since all of the cycling he probably had to do to get to the others. I also told him that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a little girl. I don't think that I've ever told anyone that, at least anyone that is alive now. I don't know I want to keep that a secret, but that is something that I like to keep to myself, along with the fact that I am kick ass at the piano.

I'm looking forward to getting to know more things about Nick so we can tell our child how we got to know each other. But for right now, I think what I need is sleep. Good night.

What a difference a week makes....

10:58 pm...

Today was a bad day for me. I haven't written in about a week and so much has happened since then. I left Boulder for a few days, fully planning on never coming back. I felt out of place there, but I returned because of Nick. I missed him terribly and I realized that he was the reason why my heart beat. Emily Bronte wrote in Wuthering Heights, "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." I never understood what that meant until I met Nick. Though I wouldn't say that he and I are alike, we understand each other completely. He accepts me and I accept him. We can make each other happy by just being in the room. Let's not forget about the lovemaking. The lovemaking is so good, I don't think that any other man in this post Captain Trips world can compete.

My life with Nick has forever been changed, though. I wasn't feeling well yesterday and when I went to see Dick, he gave me and Nick the news that I am pregnant. That's right. I am having a baby. It has caught me off-guard. I knew that unprotected sex could lead to getting pregnant and I thought that I was fully ready for that. I thought that I was fully ready to be a mother, but I'm really scared. I'm so scared that I may lose the baby. I'm scared that Nick doesn't want the baby. I'm scared that the baby may not be immune to Captain Trips/Superflu. I'm just scared in general. I never saw myself being a mother and I guessed that all of that changed when I found Sophie, but this is different. I'm going to carry a child inside of me for 9 months and give birth to it. Then, I'm going to raise it up with Nick. So scary.

There are things that Nick and I have to prepare for. For instance, we have to create a nursery and tell Sophie and...there's too many things to do. I know that I should take one day at a time, but it's pretty hard when you find out that you're pregnant. I need rest. I think that's the only thing that will make me feel better right now.

Settling In

9:47 pm...

Sophie is asleep after we compromised a bedtime for her. She really is a smart girl. More people have come into Boulder. Most importantly, Stu Redman's group have shown up. I heard that Fran Goldsmith passed out at the reception desk in the Medical Center and Bobby Rittlemeyer, the nurse that was with them, had to put her on a gurney. I haven't had the time to meet them yet, even though I was planning on it. Sophie took up most of my time while Nick was on the outskirts of town. I'm teaching Sophie how to read Dr. Seuss books, and she's catching on very well. In the meantime, I'm becoming curious about Sophie's new boyfriend. His name is Kevin and Sophie is playing it very coy when it comes to him. Here's how our conversation went:

Me: So, do you want to tell me about Kevin?
Sophie: (shrugs) I dunno. Do you want to tell me about Nick?
Me: Sophie, I am the grown up and I can ask about Kevin if I want to.
Sophie: Okay.
Me: So, do you want to tell me about Kevin?
Sophie: No (in a singsong voice).

Since Sophie wasn't so forthcoming about her playmate, I took her for a walk and we ran into Kevin and his dads: Jim and Jason Barton. Kevin seems enamoured with my little freckle faced Sophie, and she seems to be into him as well. They are already holding hands. Whatever happened yesterday seemed to have made a big impression on them. I think that Sophie is watching my relationship with Nick and she thinks that it's something that she can do. I don't know if I should tell her that love is not that easy, but she's four years old. She should be able to have a fairy tale after the nightmare that she endured.

I was going to talk about how we're all settling in, but I'm way too tired. Good night.

To Wish Impossible Things...

9:48 pm...

I'm writing this while Nick is asleep. I just had a bad dream and that is what has me up. The dream was about my baby with Nick and the Superflu. I should've known that I was going to dream about it. In the dream, I gave birth to the baby, but it was dead and it looked like those who had suffered at the hands of Captain Trips. Actually, it looked worse. All I could do was scream and cry. Fucking dream! I don't know when Nick came in tonight, but I do know that he had probably seen the candles on the table that I had blown out before I went to bed. I had to throw out the dinner that I made for the two of us, but that's okay. I am also wearing a sexy little nightgown that I was too tired to show him. Our first full night in Boulder and we end up sleeping. Sophie is away and we're finally home and we sleep.

It's okay, though. Maybe sleep is what we need. I think about how much sleep we (and when I say "we," I mean everyone) lost because of the dreams of Mother Abigail and Flagg, and I wonder if we all just should sleep in for a few days, a week at the most. Then after that, we should get everything in order, maybe? I'm pretty sure that I sound like an idiot, but it would be a good idea.

More people are coming soon, from the sound of it. There's about 20-30 of us here already, and there will be hundreds more before Fall. There's so much that needs to be done like cleaning up the places where corpses are, turning on the electricity, making sure that food will be stocked for everyone so we all won't starve to death, looking for a doctor and figuring out who else is going to be on the committee. If I had my way, I know who wouldn't be on the committee, and it would be Nick. I know that I shouldn't be that selfish and demanding, but I know that Frannie would probably feel the same way if she was me and Stu was the leader of the people. Lucy would feel that way as well if it was Larry. I have to stand back and it would be best to stay away from all committee business. I'm fine with that, but what I'm not fine with is the fact that some people may start to question Nick's leadership again if I get involved with committee business. Now, I'm all for helping Nick sort out his notes and thoughts and lists, but that's as involved as I'm going to be, for the people of Boulder's sake.

Nick has already threatened to forfeit leadership before and as much as I complain about him being the leader, I saw the fear in Dick's eyes when he realized that Nick was serious. At that point, I felt like it no longer had anything to do with me even though it did. However, it became something more along the lines of what Nick was probably thinking of doing before all hell broke loose. Could he have been already questioning leaving his leadership position before all of that hubbub with me and Mikey? I know that he was unsure about being the leader, but he was going to downright abandon everyone (including Mother Abigail) if I had left. He even went to the liquor store and got drunk. It was shocking for me to see Nick that way but at the same time, it was comforting to know that he wasn't calm all of the time and that he loves me enough to be that mad and that he is willing to protect me from anything. However, that doesn't mean that I want him to.

I guess that I'm going to bed now. I want to snuggle in close to Nick. Good night!

Father's Day

1:24 pm...

Today is Father's Day, or it would have been if the Superflu hadn't killed the majority of the world. Peter has been keeping himself busy, but I know that Lisa was taking today hard. After taking a walk with Nick this morning, Sophie and I went to go see them at their new house (since they're unofficially my parents and Sophie's grandparents). I brought Lisa some flowers and I brought Peter some books by Bob Vila. Oh, did he love those. Their house is really nice. It's a smaller 3 bedroom + den with 1.5 bathrooms. Peter said that the den could be either my bedroom or Sophie's if we ever needed a place to stay. I couldn't be more honored.

While Peter and Sophie were playing in the backyard, I sat with Lisa for a spell and we caught up a bit. I told her about my relationship with Nick and all of my hopes and fears that comes with being in a relationship with him. Again, she told me that she and Peter were going to talk to him to see what his intentions were with me, and I told her that Nick's intentions are to be a good man to me and a good man to Sophie. Then, she brought up "the incident" that happened in Loveland. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it, but she reiterated that Sophie and I could always come to live with them if there was a need to.

"Stacy," she told me, "Don't go trying to change yourself or tie yourself into knots to impress this boy. From what I saw of him and from what Mother Abigail expects of him, he seems to have his head on straight and he seems to be loyal to you. However, he is the leader of our people, only second to Mother Abigail and God. There is going to be people watching you because of this. He cannot be distracted or led away from his duties, but you can't sit there and be someone that you're not for him. It's good that you've decided to get rid of some of your old habits, but you're too young to be saddled down with the weight of the world on your shoulders because you're in love with a boy that's not that much older than you. The two of you are still growing. Both of you may think that a baby and marriage and a family is the 'right' thing to have because of this new day and age, but I don't want either of you to resent the other later down the line. Do you understand me?"

Leave it to Lisa to make me doubt myself. I told her that I understood what she was saying, but I didn't stay much longer after that. I'm not mad at Lisa, but I hate when people start to make me doubt myself. I don't think that she was telling me to leave Nick, but I'm getting the feeling that she was telling me to watch out for him, when it's probably me that he needs to watch out for. On the plus side, Sophie will be spending the night at Peter and Lisa's house tonight.

Sophie fascinates me everyday. Today, she told me that her mother was "death" and that's why she knows sign language. She loves the Dr. Seuss books that I got for her and she calls Nick "Daddy Nick." She's also asking about sex again. I'm anal about making sure that she doesn't hear me when Nick and I are intimate, but I think that she learned it from Lisa and Peter because she asked me if I have sex with Nick "like Grammy and Grampy do?" I don't know how to answer her.

That's it for right now. I have to find something to eat and soon! I'm starving.

Land of the Free (Zone), Home of The Brave

6:35 am...

I'm up super early today, which is odd because there is no reason to be. I guess that I'm super excited that Nick, Sophie and I spent our first night in our new home, in Boulder. Sophie is insanely giddy and one of the questions that she asked when I showed her the house was, "Can we stay here, Mommy?"

She thinks that it's a castle. Maybe I think that it is as well. I mean, I have never lived in a house this big before, and neither has Nick. When I was little, my parents and I lived in a small two bedroom house. My apartment was as big as the bedroom that I now share with Nick. The house has four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a large kitchen and living room, and a large backyard. I may have went a little overboard with choosing this house, but I wanted to make sure that there was enough space for a family and a book collection. In the meantime, I am going to brush up on my cooking skills in that kitchen of ours.

I went "shopping" yesterday afternoon for clean clothes and linens such as towels and sheets and curtains. I wanted to strip and clean everything as best as I could in case the previous owners had been sick before they left this house. I did a pretty good job with the washing and disinfecting. It was hard to find water, so I got some bottled water from the store, which has deer in it. Interesting. After cleaning up and everything, Sophie and I washed up and changed into some new clothes. Then, I made her dinner and read to her until her bedtime, which is now 10:00 pm. I also got her some new toys for her new bedroom. She doesn't like talking about her family, but I'm getting the assumption that she wasn't an only child. Everytime I buy her something cool, she looks at me like she isn't sure that it belongs to her.

Nick's job is far from over, but I think that I'm going to take up a profession when things settle down. It would be nice to go back to school, when a school opens up, but a job is important. I don't need one now, but it is something that I would like to have in the future. Right now, being a mother and girlfriend is the most important thing for me to do. In the meantime, I have some studying to do. That's all for now.

Close to Home

1:47 pm...

We're obscenely close to Boulder now. Ralph and Olivia already met some people that stayed there: four people in total. I have to admit that I am super excited to get there, now more than ever. Once we're there, I really believe that we will no longer have to worry about anything else. I hope that's the case, anyway.

I can't believe that it's been three days since my last entry. A lot has happened, then. So much so, I don't know if I can completely trust myself as much as I had learned to. Nick and I were told some disturbing news a couple of days ago and though we're hoping that it's not true, there is the reality that it could be true. Since then, I've been monitoring myself to see if I feel any different or if I feel like having a violent outburst or whatnot. There has been nothing. Perhaps, I've been too cautious, but nobody else have been and I don't want it where everything is normal and then something happens. I feel like I'm back in the hospital with people just waiting for me to wake up or die.

Nick is still leading, which is good for everyone else and...okay for me. I mean, I didn't realize how important it was for him to lead until he was willing to walk away from it all, but I decided to stay in Boulder and that means that it could be considered biased if he seems to make decisions based on what I think. Dick Ellis had told him that I was dictating his thoughts and he had his head up my...never mind. I guess that it's water under the bridge. Things are fine now and we talked it over. He apologized and all, but I guess that it just goes to show that the people going to Boulder aren't angelic. I definitely know that I'm not. I still feel like people are watching me, and maybe they are. I am romantically involved with the chosen leader of our new world. I am sleeping with the chosen leader of our new world. There has to be some of them who wished that I had never come along in the first place. It may be because of jealousy or just because I don't fit into Nick's path as the leader, but I feel like I am being closely watched.

I'm feeling all doom-and-gloomy. I should be happy. We're near Boulder and that's where all of our dreams have led us. Nick and I are still together and we're going to take one day at a time. I think that all of us should do that.

There is Static...and then, there is Silence

9:33 am...

I just got up a little while ago, and pretty much threw up everything that I have eaten in the last three days. I used to throw up whenever I was stressed out when I was little. My mother had to take me to the doctor after I threw up multiple times for five days in a row. At the time, my parents were going through a rough patch and they were talking divorce; the first, last and only time that they'd ever mentioned it in my presence. All I could think of was that I didn't want them to split up because I'd be even more alone than I felt. I was four at the time.

Nick wasn't with me in the barn when I got up. Instead, it was Sophie, my daughter (whom I haven't seen much of lately). She's a thumbsucker, which is cute now. However, I'm going to have to wean her off, so she won't do it until it's not cute anymore. When I think about it, she looks like me when I was younger. Her hair is bordering between red and brown. Her eyes are blue, more blue than blue-green like mine. Her facial expressions are very similar to mine. I think that she's picking them up from me. I thought of her when I first got up, how alone she had to be when I found her.

I had found her after waking up to find that Mikey had left me for the first time. He knew that I didn't like being alone, and he had left me anyway after I told him that I wanted to go to Nebraska and at least check it out. I was walking down a street in Delafield, or Delavan and I heard shuffling. I didn't have a gun at the time but I was so pissed off, I could've ripped someone's head off with my bare hands. I turned the corner into an alley when I saw her for the first time. She was eating a candy bar and the chocolate had made its way more around her mouth than in it. She had found her way into a grocery store and their candy supply. When she saw me, she dropped the candy bar and said, "Please, don't hurt me."

Her eyes welled up and it broke my heart that this little girl thought that I was going to hurt her. I kneeled down and used one of Mikey's handkerchiefs to wipe her mouth off while I told her that I wasn't going to hurt her. After a moment, and after her mouth was clean, she threw herself into my arms and that's when I realized that I had to take her with me. However, this is not the focus of this entry.

When I was asleep last night, I had a really long bad dream that I really don't want to talk about. I'll just say that it ended with Mikey bringing me to Las Vegas to make me Flagg's bride. I feel like I am alienating the people that I am with by constantly going into the cornfield to think. Even after the plague, I still alienate people. Funny. The only people that I feel comfortable being honest with is Nick, Lisa and Sophie. Peter wasn't one to hover, so he trusted me to come to him if I needed to. Still, I am in a good place with good people. I should be able to communicate with them. Maybe I'm just not used to it because most people didn't want to get to know me back in Bayfield. I should really let these people in, for God's sake. I want everything to be different than it was back then.

That's all for today.

Very Unordinary Day

8:53 pm...

I spent most of the day with Nick, and it turned out to be a very interesting one. After writing the journal entry this morning, I came back to the house and found Nick up and ready to start his day. He slept peacefully last night and so had I, despite the weird heartbeat I heard last night. It seemed like everything was better today because Nick wasn't so busy. I was even happy with my ever-growing hair, which seems to be a little bit past my shoulders, and my clown feet. Sophie was with Tom again, and I'm going to have to start spending more time with her because even though she has a best friend in Gina and she has a big brother in Tom, she still needs to know that I am her mother and Nick is now her father. Hopefully, she'll forget that this happened or she'll think it was a bad dream when she is older.

Nick announced our next course of action and told everyone that I was going to be his counsel, along with Dick. I doubt that he will come to me about committee business, but that's fine. I don't want him to feel like he is being biased with me. I thought that I wanted to be part of the council and know everything, but I think that I would rather be just a wife and mother at home. If I had ever thought that back before the plague, I would've thought that I was high. Now, anything is possible.

We should be heading to Boulder the day after tomorrow. Everybody is getting ready and I guess that means that Peter, Lisa, Sophie and I are going to be back on the road again. I know for sure that this trip to Boulder will be a lot more pleasurable because I've already met Nick and we're madly in love.

I thought about keeping the heartbeat incident to myself, but I don't feel like I'm inclined to keep anything from Nick. I asked him if he had sensed anything last night and he told me that he hadn't. So, I guess that it was just me that noticed that something was off. Once that conversation was over, we finally talked about sex. I mentioned it, of course, but Nick didn't mind. He doesn't mind me doing the things that I used to do pre-plague and talking about sex is one of them. That led us back to how our lives were before the Superflu. I told Nick that I had considered going to Las Vegas with Mikey, which I never planned on telling anyone because I'm not proud that I wasn't sure I knew where I belonged. Still, Nick was calm about it and he told me that he knew already. That man never ceases to amaze me.

Our conversation went back to sex and Nick told me some things that shocked the hell out of me. I mean, gauging from how our nights are spent, I had a bit of a clue of it all, but I was happy to see a part of Nick that is an actual man. That talk led us to going back into the cornfield and me doing something that I haven't done in at least three years. However, Nick said (and I agreed) that it didn't feel wrong or dirty. It felt new and clean and sacred that I was doing that for a man that I love and will never leave unless God takes him away (God forbid). I find it so ironic that I slept around from the age of 16 until the Superflu, but I feel like I was waiting for that one man and that one man is Nick. My body is for him and his children only. When we make love, it feels like he's coming home to me. I don't feel like that's a bad thing and I think that I should be glad that I found that out at such a young age.

By the way, Nick is spoiling me when it comes to making love. Apparently, I am thinking that things that are normal are special tricks. Those men that I was with, they cheated me! I feel so inexperienced with Nick sometimes, and he is ever patient and ever loving. Eventually, he's going to lose his patience.

Well, I guess that's all for tonight. I'll write in the morning if anything new happens.

The Way of The New World

9:18 am...

I'm awake early again today. Nick is still asleep, so I decided to take another walk in the corn and talk about yesterday's events. Nick disappeared for a bit, but he continued to be in meetings with Mother Abigail, Dick Ellis and Ralph Brentner throughout most of the day. I did help Nick with his notes, and I think that he welcomed the help. Gina, Sophie and Tom Cullen went fishing yesterday and caught a lot of fish. I haven't had fish since last Summer when I was with my parents and my boyfriend at the time. My parents liked having days in the Summer when we would eat only seafood. We would have catfish and perch and cioppino (fish stew), as well as lobster and crab and shrimp salad. I would always eat some catfish and macaroni salad, which was pretty much shrimp salad without the shrimp. But, I would be sooo stuffed afterwards.

While Tom, Gina and Sophie were fishing, Gina fell into the creek. I played nurse and Dick had to put her into another cast. But, that wasn't the big medical mystery of the day. Two men and a woman came to Nebraska. One of the men had congestive heart failure. Dick was unable to save him, even though he tried his hardest. I think that he's taking it hard, which doesn't surprise me. The man is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, but he is a vet and just because he can fix Gina's cast doesn't mean that he can perform heart surgery. He did the best that he could. He couldn't help that the man was in bad shape.

When I did talk to Nick last night, he said that he would love Mikey's child as if it were his own if I was pregnant with Mikey's child, which I'm not. He then told me that Mother Abigail and God have appointed him as the leader and Ralph as Nick's deputy. He doesn't want to be the leader, and I don't want him to lead, either. However, I remembered my mother telling me that the best leaders are the ones who don't want to lead, and I pretty much had to tell Nick that he has to lead us and he can't give it all up, even though he wants to and I want him to. Eventually, we stopped talking about politics, went to our temporary home, made love and fell asleep.

Something else happened when we were making love, though. I mean, there was an urgency in Nick that is normally isn't there but when we were going to...you know, I kept hearing a heartbeat that kept getting louder and I don't think that it was ours because ours couldn't be that loud. Then, I could smell corn, which I normally don't smell when I'm sleeping in the barn. I almost screamed if I hadn't remembered that we weren't alone. I had a hard time sleeping at first, but I did eventually drift off and I didn't have any dreams, which was wonderful.

I guess that's all for right now. See you later.

Dreams

8:55 am...

I didn't get much sleep last night. I didn't get to talk to Nick until 10 pm, CST. I think that Hemingford Home is an hour behind Wisconsin, so I didn't get to talk to Nick until 9 pm, MST. Most of the little time that we had together before we went to sleep was spent on Michael Parrish. We got into a big discussion on how he plans on coming to Boulder, with Julie Lawry. I guess that Nick put it in his mind that it was okay to go there when he was giving Mikey a talking-to, or Nick gave him the option and thinking that it would piss Nick off, Michael decided to come to Boulder, CO. The only thing is that Nick is not a man to get pissed off a great deal. However, he did bring up killing Mikey before Boulder. I have reservations about that because Michael is still a person, despite his words and actions. Plus, I feel bad because he was the one who thought it wise to get out of Bayfield. So, part of me feels like I owe him everything for helping me stay alive and leading me to Nick.

Some of the other topics that we talked about was the reason I ended up with so many names. I could've gave him to condensed version, which is that most people don't like calling me by my middle name. I hate the name Anastasia, so I call myself Lilly. I was in the process of changing it when Chris got drunk and crashed the car. Then, everyone died and it was too late to start the legal process. So, I just decided to call myself Lilly. The reason it came up, though, is because I told him that Lisa and Peter were looking for him so they could have "the talk" with him. Nick told me what his intentions were with me, but I'm not saying anything until we're in Boulder. I plan on telling Sophie the good news today, though there is a part of me that worries that she may tell the others. It's going to be a bit of a secret for a few days, though. I still need to grasp it myself.

We also talked about children. I told him, since I wasn't necessarily sure if he realized it, that we weren't protected when we made love the other night. Then, he proceeded to ask me if I was worried about having his child. I thought about that question and what I could possibly be worried about if I was. I thought about Nick not being able to hear me or talk to me and if our child would live in a silent world as well. I thought about Mikey and what he could do to me that would endanger the baby. I also thought about the superflu and whether or not my baby could die from it, even if Nick and I were immune. Then, I figured this: I love Nick and I don't care if he can't hear me or talk to me. He knows that I love him. I know that he loves me and he never had to say it. I know it from the way that he touches me and the way that he looks at me. So, if our child is also a deaf-mute, we will give him the same kind of love that we have for one another and Sophie. Mikey will leave me alone, even if I have to kill him. And the Superflu? I'm just going to have to pray and hope that my and Nick's immunity will pass on to him.

I was quite shocked that Nick told me that he was hoping that our first time resulted in a baby. I mean, we were both people that spent a lot of our lives caring for ourselves and even the thought of a baby makes me unsure, though I do think about having one with him. However, Nick is so sure of himself and I guess that's why he's our leader. His certainty is so strong, it gets hard not to have that same kind of certainty about him. I understand why he wants a baby. He's 22 and he's survived a plague that wiped out about 98-99% of the world. He's fallen in love with someone who's just as madly in love with him. When he makes love to her, it brings tears to her eyes because it feels so wonderful. However, there is someone who is threatening their relationship, and his future with this woman altogether. If she's pregnant with his child and carries it to term, it would give him hope for a better future and nothing will be able to tear them apart. At least, that's what I think that he's thinking. Plus, someone has to carry on his legacy.

But now I'm going to get to the topic of this entry: the dreams. I didn't have many of them last night and I slept a little better than I did the night before, but Nick had a bad dream last night. Something told me to wake up and when I did, I found him tossing and turning. He was mouthing words, trying to talk. I tried waking him up, but I couldn't. Finally, he did wake up. However, he was so upset. He said that the people in the West might try to nuke us. I don't know why, but I believe him. I had never seen him so upset before and all I could do was hold him and wish that I end up pregnant with his son, just like in the dream that I had. The only exception would be that he would be there, right by my side to welcome his son into the world. There has to be something that I can do for Nick besides step back and let him lead. I don't want him to be the one who has to go down with his ship. It wouldn't be fair.

That's all for right now. See you later!

Heroes and Villains

11:35 pm...

It's almost been 12 hours since my last blog. Cool. Today's been a very introspective. I spent most of the day by myself, walking in the cornfield. Lisa and Peter were in their respective places, but Lisa did give me the "we're going to talk to Nick" speech. Sophie's been playing with Gina, so I think that she's forgotten about sex, which is a good thing. On the other hand, I've been thinking more about Nick. I was right. He is the leader of our new world, and he's unsure of it. However, I think that it's appropriate for him. Mother Abigail is not a stupid woman. She's not a weak woman. I do believe that God is talking to her and from a person that never believed in God, that means a lot. I believe in God a lot more than I did because of the Superflu and because of Nick. I believe that God brought me to Nick and He made me fall in love with Nick. Why? I have no idea, but I'm glad that I'm with him. I just dread what's in store for him. I would hate to fall in love with him and make love to him just to lose him.

On that note, I guess that Mikey is coming to Boulder, though I made myself clear that I didn't want him there. I hate that Mikey thinks that he has this power over me. He makes these decisions just so I can be afraid of him. I don't like being afraid. Besides, I'm already afraid of Nick's new position. I don't really need Michael Parrish around to add fuel to the fire.

When I walking around this afternoon, I remembered two things. One was that Mikey had a shitload of condoms on him and when I was with him, I was hellbent on not getting pregnant because people were dropping like flies. I don't why I didn't remember this sooner, but I remember it now. I think that maybe we were unprotected once and I'm pretty sure that he got away from me before the point of no return. So, odds are that I'm not pregnant and I won't be getting pregnant with his child. On the other hand, Nick and I were unprotected last night, and we were together the entire time, if you catch my drift. I'm not freaked out about it because Nick and I are in love and we're planning on becoming a family anyway. Besides, it looks like I'm going to be having his baby anyway if the dream is supposed to be prophetic.

Speaking of prophetic dreams, some of the dreams that I had seem to be changing or things are happening that I haven't dreamt about. For instance, I had no idea that Nick and I were going to make love last night. I didn't even think that we were going to meet in Nebraska. I always thought that I was going to meet him in Boulder. I always dreamt that we were making love in a house in Boulder. Maybe that will still happen, but I thought that Boulder would be where we made love for the first time.

I don't know when we'll be going to Boulder. I want it to be soon and yet, I don't want it at all. Maybe I've been spoiled and Nick's skills as a lover is just out of this world. Maybe the realist in me is hiding. Either way, it's going to happen and there's not much that I can do about it. That wild child part of me still wonders what would have been if Mikey and I had gone to Las Vegas. That part of me wonders if I would have been as happy as I am now. Hell, that part of me still wants to run to Las Vegas and fuck every man I see to get rid of the love that I feel for Nick. That part of me is terrified that I'm going to fuck this up and hurt Nick. But, I trust that he trusts me and I have to keep that trust close to my heart. God, the things that Nick makes me feel; mentally, physically and emotionally, are amazing. If I conceive his child, that'll be even better for our family. I think that Sophie would love having a little sister or brother. Good night, everyone. Time for sleep.

Such a Good Day

11:47 am...

I was too exhausted to post anything last night, so I'm posting it today. Sophie, Lisa, Peter and I are finally in Nebraska. That's right, people. We are in Hemingford Home, Nebraska, finally! When we got word that the first group of people had gotten there, Peter was anxious to rush there as soon as possible. I figured that he was getting pretty lonely since he and Lisa left the other group that they were with, the ones going strictly to Las Vegas. Otherwise, I was guessing that he wanted to get there so he could finally hang out with men, which would happen when you spend all of your time sleeping, driving or in the company of women and a little girl. I remember when I was a little girl and my father would go out to a bar just for male bonding. He wasn't a drinker, but he got a little itchy when he spent all of his time with me and my mother. I guess that the same is true with Peter, even after the superflu.

Along with finally getting to Nebraska was finally getting to meet Nick Andros; the man that I've been talking about in the last several blogs, the man that I'm in love with. He met me outside with all of the others and I choked. I couldn't move and when he came to me and hugged me, I started crying. Yes. It was definitely something that I never thought would happen. But, he kissed me. He kissed me, not the other way around like I thought that it was going to be. We kissed for awhile, too, and it was so nice. I'm still embarrassed, though, because I kissed Nick before I introduced myself to Mother Abigail, the woman who saved all of our lives and gave us meaning again. I think that it was okay by her that I did so, but I want to make sure to apologizr to her.

After our first kiss; Nick and I went for a walk in the cornfield, the same cornfield from our dreams of Mother Abigail. We talked, as well as we could given our circumstances, and it led to us making love. For real. It wasn't a dream. Never have I been so nervous about getting naked and becoming physical about someone. I was self conscious about the scars from the car wreck that he could see and I was never self conscious of them before. I was just nervous about the whole damn thing. Needless to say, it was much better than what I could ever dream. It was absolutely mind-blowing. Amazingly, Nick knew things that I didn't even know about, let alone saw and felt. He's the only man that has made me...during...you know what I mean, right? The act. I was a little unsure about making love in the cornfield, but I thought about it and nothing is more romantic than making love for the first time under the beautiful, starry night sky. Besides, nothing else really mattered past the fact that I was with the man that I am madly in love with.

When we were done, we held each other. I've never felt so warm and loved like I did last night. However, I knew that once we got up, got dressed and went inside; our new lives would be intertwined with everyone else's and important things have to happen because it's God's will. Naive as it sounds, I was hoping that the important stuff would wait just a little while once the first group made it to Hemingford Home. Nope. We have to get to Boulder and then, who knows what else. Nick is important to us all, not just to me. He's the one who has to lead us. He's our first post-superflu president. Does that make me the first post-superflu first lady? Hmm. I don't know if I want to be. I mean, I want to be with him and I want to love him. However, I don't want power. I don't want him to have power. I want to be happy and peaceful with him and Sophie in our house with our book collection and room for a family (his words, not mine). But, I don't think that I'm going to get that, not right away. I'm just going to have to take it in stride and do my part to assure that we're going to be together.

I didn't sleep well last night, though one would assume that I would after meeting the man I love and making love with him. But, I didn't. I had a lot of dreams, bad ones. Mikey was in a couple of them. I don't even know why I'm still dreaming about him, but I am. The last one that I had left me crying in my sleep. It was late March or early April and I was finally giving birth to a baby. Sophie was there. Peter and Lisa were there. Gina was there. June and Olivia was there. Lucy Swann was there. Fran Goldsmith and Stu Redman was there. Tom Cullen was there. When the baby, a boy, was born; everyone was waiting outside to hear the news. The baby and I were healthy and everyone was happy, but Nick wasn't there and neither was Mother Abigail or Ralph Bretner, a man who was traveling with Nick. Everyone looked at the baby as if he was some kind of prince or a future king or something, but Nick wasn't there. The baby looked just like him, but he wasn't there and no-one would tell me where he was.

Well, I'm off to do some stuff today. Looking forward to how today is going to turn out. I hope that I won't be too disappointed. Bye!

Starting Anew

1:53 am...

I just finished speaking with Lisa a little while ago. She is a wise woman who I think that I can look up to. She is very different than how my adoptive mother used to be. She is open and honest and she tells me her mistakes so I wouldn't follow them. I told her everything that happened to me since Captain Trips hit. I figured that I didn't need to tell her anything before since all of our new lives have started after Captain Trips. She looked at me and honestly told me that I need to stop worrying about my past life and how it's going to affect the future and I need to concentrate on starting over.

"Anastasia Lillian Austen," she said, "You are only 20 years old, a baby compared to me. You were promiscuous when you were a teenager. So what? All of the boys and men that you've slept with are dead. Since then, you've only slept with one man, whom you thought that you could trust. You learned your lesson and became a woman who took a beautiful child under your wing. You've fallen in love and even if he doesn't feel the same yet, it seems like he will. Put the past in the past. This whole...situation has made you grow up. Don't let that boy make you relapse into someone that you didn't like. Don't worry about him or the man that you love. Everything will fall into place, Lillian (she's used to calling me 'Stacy', but it's a start). Be patient, be wise and be careful with your heart. Give it to whoever is willing to give theirs to you, and keep most of it for your daughter. You see, I lost a son, but I gained you and I gained Sophie. I miss Stewart (her son), but I'm glad that I met the two of you."

So, I thought about what she said, and I decided to take her advice. I'm starting a new life. I'm not waiting until we make it to Nebraska or Colorado. It starts now. I'm happy with Sophie and I'm happy knowing that a man loves me for who I am. I'm even happy that I have parents again. I'm going to let go of all of the mess that I've put myself through and the mess that I've let others put me through. I haven't felt this good in a really long time, and I think that I will continue to feel this way. Good night, all.

P.S: He told me that he chooses to spend his life with me, if I consent. I said, "I do!"

Love and All of it's Difficulties

7:24 pm...

I've been doing a lot of sleeping, and not much eating, lately. Lisa has decided that she is going to fatten me up. I can't get too fat, since I still want to fit into my dress. However, I'm losing weight and I don't want the dress to look too loose. I had another dream today. I realized that I was in Boulder with Sophie and him. I was in the kitchen and Sophie was sitting at the breakfast bar. She was reading preschool books that I'd come across. I was cooking something from a can, but it smelled really nice compared to the smell of bodies. Sophie was reciting her ABCs. Then, he came in from some kind of work or meeting (?). He was happy, and I was happy. However, it always goes back to us making love. It's the most passionate, intense thing I've ever felt. Everytime I wake up, there are remnants of the dreams that always stay with me. Today, it was the feel of his kiss. I know, for sure, that I do intend on kissing him when I see him.

Lisa is more observant than I thought. After battling Mikey, which I thought was over now that he's on his way to Las Vegas, some other things happened and I ended up crying. Lisa noticed it and asked me if I was okay. She also asked if it had to do with "the boy who went to Vegas and left you with a four year old to fend for yourselves." I told her that it didn't have anything to do with him, but someone else. It didn't take her long to realize that the tears were tears of joy(?), fear (?) and anxiety. There are still so many questions and so many reasons to go to Vegas, but there are only four reasons to stay on the path to Nebraska or Colorado. I have a mother and a father, and a child and a possible husband or lover. In every dream that I have, I can feel his love for me with every touch that I feel. I don't need to hear it, not as much as I thought that I did. But, he said it today. He said, "I guess I do love you, after all," and I burst out crying and told him that he was just saying it so I wouldn't have to ask him to say it anymore. Then, he said it again after I told him that I loved him. He said, "I love you, too."

I don't think that I've actually heard it from anyone besides my adoptive parents and my birth mom. The closest that I heard from the guys that I was with was "I love your tits" or "I love the way you feel." This guy said that he loved me. He lets me be myself as freely as possible, and he never panics or flips out. He did almost get into it with Mikey today, but he listened to me when I asked him to stop. He trusts me to make my own decisions and I think that's what I need right now. But, I hope that our love won't be short lived. I want to get to Colorado or Nebraska now. I want to be with him. It feels like I'm just wasting time until I get to him.

Close to Nebraska

11:50 pm...

Lisa, Peter, Sophie and I are close to Nebraska, but I'm getting the feeling that we need to get going to Colorado. I started feeling ill about thirty minutes ago, and I threw up twice. I think it's nerves, but it could be a baby. I haven't seen Michael today, which is good because that may mean that he's on his way to Vegas. There's still a part of me that misses him, that misses wanting to be bad and wild and all of those good/bad things that I used to be pre-Sophie. Hell, I even stopped craving a cigarette. Michael was the embodiment of my old ways and Sophie is the embodiment of the person I think that I want to be. Hell, if Flagg hadn't scared the shit out of me, I would probably be on my way to Vegas right now. I guess that people can change, even with Superflu wiping out the world.

I'm getting antsy. I can't wait to get to Boulder. It's like I can't wait to get there and settle down. Sophie and I may just move in with Peter and Lisa if we don't move in somewhere else. I have a feeling that we're not going to move in with Peter and Lisa, though it's nice to know that we have options. I don't normally trust men, but I feel like I can trust him. I have dreams that we're making love and though I can feel his touch and his kiss and hear him breathing, I wake up and I lose the memory of how it all feels. The only thing that I remember is the way his hand feels on my heart and the way that my heart is pounding against my chest and the feeling of his heart pound just as we...never mind.

I've found a dress that I'm going to wear just for when I meet Mother Abigail and him. I told Lisa that I wanted to look pretty for that occasion and she said that she will do something with my hair. It makes me happy, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he is the leader and he'll go down with "his ship," if need be. I'm afraid that I'll lose him. I had a dream once that he was gone and Fran Goldsmith's child was born, but I was pregnant and I think that it was his baby. I hope that it is his baby, that some part of him will live on if he dies. But, I promised that I would save him or die trying. I'm afraid that Michael will come and harm him. I don't know what I'll do if I lose him. He makes me feel things that I've never felt before, and I haven't even met him yet. It wouldn't be fair to find him if I'm just going to lose him. I have to do something.

I've got to go. Too many musings, so little time. Besides, we should head into Nebraska tonight since Peter is driving. Bye!

A Little about Myself

10:42 pm...

I found this journal, so I think that it would be best to start writing in it. Let me introduce myself, in case I don't make it for some reason. My name is Anastasia Lillian Austen, but I prefer to be called Lilly. I am a 20 year old woman from Bayfield, Wisconsin; population: 611 as of 2000. I graduated from Bayfield High School when I was 17 and spent the next three years self-destructing and sleeping around. I was called a slut, whore of Bayfield, and whatever else may have been just a way to call me a slut. That stopped when my ex-boyfriend named Chris Stiles got drunk and crashed into a wall. I got pretty fucked up, but Chris died so I guess he got the short end of the stick and I didn't.

I was still in the hospital when the superflu hit. It's odd, being in a place where you'd think that most of the sick people would go. But, they didn't. The nurses kept dwindling and I didn't realize something was wrong until my favorite nurse, Lavenia, stopped showing up. Another nurse, Susan, came in that day and told me that Lavenia had died. Then, Susan stopped showing up and all of a sudden, the world stopped. I was in the hospital three days after everyone died. I thought that I would go insane, until a guy named Michael Parrish came along. He decided that we should leave and leave we did.

I slept with Michael. We slept together at least five times, possibly more than that. Michael was good in bed, but he wasn't right for me. See, I kept having these dreams about a cornfield and an old African American woman named Abigail Freemantle, though I call her Abby. She told me to come visit her with all of my friends, and I planned to do so. However, I also had dreams about a guy in really hideous cowboy boots named Randall Flagg. He wanted me and Michael to come and see him as well. Michael kept having dreams to go to Vegas, where Flagg was. I definitely found that it was a difference of opinion or a conflict of interest.

An argument led Michael away from me. He took off one morning and I couldn't find him. Later that day, I met Sophia Appleton. I like to call her Sophie. She's 4 years old and taking care of her has made me see that I am more than just a whore. However, Michael has come back more than once, and he's grown harder to be around. There is also the fact that I may be pregnant with his child, though it may be too soon to tell.

Just today, I met an older couple from Illinois named Lisa and Peter. I know that I can trust them and I can be safe with them. Sophie has taken to calling Lisa her grandma. Sophie also calls me her mama, which is cute and ironic because my birth mother was 16 when she had me. I feel like I have a family again.

I also think that I am love for the first time in my entire life. I won't say much about him yet, not until I meet him. That way, it will feel more real when we meet. I dreamt about him, that I would try to protect him even though I am small and kinda easy to throw around. Then, I actually spoke to him, and we have become close but not in the way that I was close with Michael where we would jump in bed and forget our troubles. In our conversations, I had to actually face what may happen and it made our feelings quite strong for one another, or as strong as it could be for two people who haven't even met yet. As it turns out, we're having dreams about one another, intimate dreams. I have hope for the two of us because we are very much alike and we can understand each other. However, I think that he may die, and I have to stop that from happening.

Damn! I got so busy with the introduction, I didn't even get to what I wanted to say. I guess that I'll have to do two posts in one day. Bye!