Wednesday, July 1, 2009

What a difference a week makes....

10:58 pm...

Today was a bad day for me. I haven't written in about a week and so much has happened since then. I left Boulder for a few days, fully planning on never coming back. I felt out of place there, but I returned because of Nick. I missed him terribly and I realized that he was the reason why my heart beat. Emily Bronte wrote in Wuthering Heights, "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." I never understood what that meant until I met Nick. Though I wouldn't say that he and I are alike, we understand each other completely. He accepts me and I accept him. We can make each other happy by just being in the room. Let's not forget about the lovemaking. The lovemaking is so good, I don't think that any other man in this post Captain Trips world can compete.

My life with Nick has forever been changed, though. I wasn't feeling well yesterday and when I went to see Dick, he gave me and Nick the news that I am pregnant. That's right. I am having a baby. It has caught me off-guard. I knew that unprotected sex could lead to getting pregnant and I thought that I was fully ready for that. I thought that I was fully ready to be a mother, but I'm really scared. I'm so scared that I may lose the baby. I'm scared that Nick doesn't want the baby. I'm scared that the baby may not be immune to Captain Trips/Superflu. I'm just scared in general. I never saw myself being a mother and I guessed that all of that changed when I found Sophie, but this is different. I'm going to carry a child inside of me for 9 months and give birth to it. Then, I'm going to raise it up with Nick. So scary.

There are things that Nick and I have to prepare for. For instance, we have to create a nursery and tell Sophie and...there's too many things to do. I know that I should take one day at a time, but it's pretty hard when you find out that you're pregnant. I need rest. I think that's the only thing that will make me feel better right now.

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