Friday, July 24, 2009

That Old Nagging Feeling

11:25 pm...

I spent today wondering how life would be if I hadn't changed. I was quite happy with my life before the accident, screwing any man I could get my hands on and being carefree. With the exception of my parents' feelings, I didn't care what anyone thought. Then, the accident happened. I didn't have much time to consider if I would have changed once I was fully recovered, because Captain Trips came blowing in and wiped most of everyone out. Then, Michael came along. I guess that was maybe my chance to become monogamous. However, he turned out to be the wrong guy for me. He went to Vegas and I met Nick, who is always wonderful to me, even when we're arguing.

For the most part, I'm happy with him, with Sophie and the baby on the way, with my life in general. He gave me the greatest necklace yesterday and afterwards, we were very passionate and intimate and it was one of the best nights I've had recently. However, I got the feeling today that made me question how my life would be if I hadn't encountered Nick or if I had left Sophie with Lisa and Peter. If I had been with Michael, I would've surely went to Vegas. From what I hear, it's not all it's cracked up to be, but it would've been my life. I would've only been responsible for myself.

I'm getting bigger now. It's becoming more evident that I'm growing a life within me. I try harder to stay careful. I'm totally the opposite of how I used to be. I would find ways to be reckless. Now, I'm careful, and the careful life is boring at times. Since Michael's death last week, Nick's probably thought that I've been acting weird and distant because of it. I'm not upset about it. I did think about Michael a lot this week, but I've realized he wouldn't have listened to me, no matter how hard I tried. I've also thought that Nick was being weird and distant. He said that it had something to do with the council meeting last week, so I left it at that. I don't want to know, unless it's going to continue to weigh down on him, but we're trying.

Sometimes, I feel the need to argue with Nick, just so I can feel like we're not perfect. We used to be different, less than perfect. I don't feel like we're perfect all of the time, but there has been moments when I wonder if we are like how other people here in Boulder see us. Amanda Jacobs, the town's gossip, has probably told anyone that would listen about my pregnancy. Some of the other women look at me with fascination or jealousy, like I'm just as powerful as Mother Abagail or I'm some town slut that's persuaded Nick to make me an honest woman.

When I was at the library yesterday, a woman named Kelsey Moore came up to me and addressed me as Mrs. Andros. She asked me how I felt about Nick choosing Fran Goldsmith over me in the council. I told her that I didn't want to be in the council and she looked at me with this look on her face, this knowing look. What did she know? I have no clue, but it seemed to me that in her mind, Nick is JFK and I'm Jackie O; the silent, unsuspecting wife who says nothing, even when something's wrong. If Kelsey thinks all of that just because of the council, I wonder what she thinks when I'm with Sophie and Nick's not around.

I'm tired. I'm done with thinking. I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Day Off

2:11 am...

Nick took the day off today, and I have to admit that I had fun with him and Sophie. We spent the day at the park and at home, playing board games. Sophie has grown fond of Nick, which makes me happy because we can become one seamless family if Nick and I can get Sophie to adjust to us and the baby. She was an only child, like Nick and I were, so we're going to have to watch her to make sure that she is comfortable with being a big sister. She seems to be fine, but things can change.

Nick seemed to be alright with taking the day off. He didn't seem to miss the maintenance shed or the power plant, and he didn't take a lot of notes. If he wasn't enjoying himself, he didn't show it. His attention was on me, Sophie and the baby. The one thing that did annoy me was that he kept asking if I was okay. It's bad enough when he asks me before, after and during the time that we're intimate, but he doesn't need to ask when I'm doing nothing more than extreme sitting. I understand that I did have that scare over a week ago, but I've been taking it easy. It would annoy the hell out of him if I kept asking him if he was okay.

Okay, enough with the ranting because it could be worse. Nick could be a violent jerk who would want me to find a way to get rid of the baby. He could be slapping me around, no matter if I was pregnant or not. If asking me if I'm okay is the worst, I'm lucky as hell.

I've been thinking a lot about names for baby girls. I'm not looking at names for boys because it's either going to be Nick Jr. or Rudy. The other day, the name Ruby popped up and today, it was Hope. I like the name Hope because that was what Nick gave me when I was traveling to Nebraska to meet him. The baby gave us hope for a wonderful future. If it's a girl, I'll name her Hope Ruby. Isn't that a pretty name?

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Carnival is Over

11:11 pm...

Any allusions that I have had about my relationship with Nick have completely diminished. I'm not going to lie. There had been a period of time when I was sure that our relationship was nothing more than physical and eventually, I'd be ready to move on from him. I'd thought that I was fooling myself into loving him and believing that all of his sentiments and honesty was fine, but not what I wanted for myself and my survival. The pregnancy was something that I knew was a possibility but still a surprise to me and Nick nonetheless. Even when I was terrified of losing the baby, I still thought that I would raise the baby and Sophie alone. I guess that all of my assumptions have changed.

Right now, I am sitting in the bedroom that I share with Nick, and I am terrified. There is no reason for me to be terrified other than the fact that there is a man out west in Las Vegas who probably wants to destroy everyone here in Boulder. More and more people come here everyday with a newfound hope and sense of being now that the hard part is over and they've gotten to where they needed to be. However, no-one can deny the fact that if we dreamed about Mother Abigail and she was real, that means that Flagg is real as well. If we're not proactive in trying to stop him, none of us here in Boulder will survive. That includes not only my unborn child but Fran Goldsmith's and children that belongs to any other pregnant women here. I guess that's why Nick is steadfast in trying to create the committee.

I've been dreading that moment, when the committee would be created and Nick would be consumed with plans that the committee will undoubtedly come up with because he is the leader of the Free Zone. The word "committee" makes me cringe, but I understand Nick's need to get the ball rolling. The electricity is still not on and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person who is ready to stop eating canned foods. Besides that, more things need to be done. Boulder needs a doctor because no matter how hard Dick studies, he is still just a veterinarian. The freecycle shop that Lucy Swann and Dayna Jurgens opened is a success, but the grocery stores need to be cleaned out because the spoiled food smells horrid. Kids need to go to school, so there has to be plans to create one and above all of these things that need to be done, we need to figure out what Flagg has planned for us. Ladies and Gentlemen, the carnival is over. It's time to get back to real life.

I guess the reason why I'm writing this journal entry, after not writing in a long time and promising myself that I wouldn't need to write anymore, is because I saw the future. I took a nap today while Nick was hard at work on whatever he was doing, and I had a dream. I dreamt of Nick 20 years from now, when society is up and running, and we are just regular people again. He would no longer be "The Leader of the Boulder Free Zone." He would just be Nicholas Andros and I would just be Lily Austen, or Lily Andros, depending on what happens now. Our son or daughter would most likely be in college and Sophie would most likely be out in the world, maybe married with children. We will most likely have more children after this baby and they would probably be between adulthood and adolescence. The friendships that we have now would probably be gone as the people that we have met here would undoubtedly go back to their hometowns or other places more foreign than Boulder. It was a good dream.

That dream will never come true if Randall Flagg has anything to do with it. He is planning something and though he is strong, he isn't strong enough to just wipe us out with a snap of his finger. He will get some of the people there in Las Vegas to do it for him. One of those people may be Julie Lawry, the woman that once tried to kill Nick before. That scares me more than anything. I can be healthy as a horse and this pregnancy can be completely effortless, but none of that will matter if, and when, Flagg acts out his plan to obliterate us. I shouldn't be worried about any of this, as this is Nick's job now, but I love him and he is the father of my baby. When he worries, I worry.

I should get some sleep now, because tomorrow is another day with a whole new set of joy, pain, issues and concerns.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Maternal Instincts

9:58 pm...

I should be asleep, but I'm not. Since I found out that I was pregnant, I haven't had a lot of sleep. I've caught up with sleep while Nick has been making his rounds, leading and whatnot, when I'm not shopping for new things for the house. It's really coming along. Just yesterday, Nick helped me put some flowers above the doorways. Also, I started painting again. I haven't painted since I was about 17 or 18. It felt good to go back to painting. It really, really did. I finished a painting in one day, on and off. Mind you, it wasn't a big, massive painting, but it was a painting nonetheless.

I started working on the nursery today. Nick hasn't seen it, though. I was going to show him today, but he was really tired because he'd had such a long day. He was taking care of issues concerning vandalism and getting the electricity turned back on. I didn't want to bug him about something as small as the nursery in progress, not tonight. However, I am thankful that Peter helped with some of the baby furniture that we "bought" from the store.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel like my relationship with Nick hasn't changed when we found out about the pregnancy. Maybe it was just a bad time, with the reorganization of Boulder happening right now, but I can't get un-pregnant. I mean, Nick has gotten...tentative with handling me. He's so nervous when it comes to certain things and I know that it's because he can't hear me, but I really wish that he would trust that I would let him know if he is doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable. He always tells me that it shouldn't get to that point, but I don't think that he understands that it hasn't gotten to that point and I don't think that it ever will. I mean, there has been some moments when he seems to be more comfortable with me, but it's getting a little far and few between. In some ways, our relationship has improved dramatically, but I'm starting to wonder if Nick thinks that I've changed now that I'm going to have a baby.

Maybe I have changed. Maybe I've gotten so protective of this baby that I'm neglecting my relationship with him. In the meantime, I've been spending so much time with Sophie, trying to prepare her for when she becomes a big sister while Nick's working on the BFZ. He needs me to encourage him and help him, not bombard him with wallpaper patterns and other kinds of baby stuff. I just don't want it to get to the point where we're in separate bedrooms, living separate lives before the baby comes. I think that's one of my biggest fears besides the ones that I have about the baby.

On the other hand, I learned some new things about Nick. For instance, he is a Scorpio and his middle name is Phillip. Please, do not ask me why I was just asking him about this stuff, now that I am pregnant. There are circumstances which I don't wish to divulge in. He's not a sports guy, either. That was a bit of a relief to hear. He also likes history museums, zoos and he used to like cycling, which isn't a big surprise since all of the cycling he probably had to do to get to the others. I also told him that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a little girl. I don't think that I've ever told anyone that, at least anyone that is alive now. I don't know I want to keep that a secret, but that is something that I like to keep to myself, along with the fact that I am kick ass at the piano.

I'm looking forward to getting to know more things about Nick so we can tell our child how we got to know each other. But for right now, I think what I need is sleep. Good night.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

What a difference a week makes....

10:58 pm...

Today was a bad day for me. I haven't written in about a week and so much has happened since then. I left Boulder for a few days, fully planning on never coming back. I felt out of place there, but I returned because of Nick. I missed him terribly and I realized that he was the reason why my heart beat. Emily Bronte wrote in Wuthering Heights, "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." I never understood what that meant until I met Nick. Though I wouldn't say that he and I are alike, we understand each other completely. He accepts me and I accept him. We can make each other happy by just being in the room. Let's not forget about the lovemaking. The lovemaking is so good, I don't think that any other man in this post Captain Trips world can compete.

My life with Nick has forever been changed, though. I wasn't feeling well yesterday and when I went to see Dick, he gave me and Nick the news that I am pregnant. That's right. I am having a baby. It has caught me off-guard. I knew that unprotected sex could lead to getting pregnant and I thought that I was fully ready for that. I thought that I was fully ready to be a mother, but I'm really scared. I'm so scared that I may lose the baby. I'm scared that Nick doesn't want the baby. I'm scared that the baby may not be immune to Captain Trips/Superflu. I'm just scared in general. I never saw myself being a mother and I guessed that all of that changed when I found Sophie, but this is different. I'm going to carry a child inside of me for 9 months and give birth to it. Then, I'm going to raise it up with Nick. So scary.

There are things that Nick and I have to prepare for. For instance, we have to create a nursery and tell Sophie and...there's too many things to do. I know that I should take one day at a time, but it's pretty hard when you find out that you're pregnant. I need rest. I think that's the only thing that will make me feel better right now.