Friday, July 24, 2009

That Old Nagging Feeling

11:25 pm...

I spent today wondering how life would be if I hadn't changed. I was quite happy with my life before the accident, screwing any man I could get my hands on and being carefree. With the exception of my parents' feelings, I didn't care what anyone thought. Then, the accident happened. I didn't have much time to consider if I would have changed once I was fully recovered, because Captain Trips came blowing in and wiped most of everyone out. Then, Michael came along. I guess that was maybe my chance to become monogamous. However, he turned out to be the wrong guy for me. He went to Vegas and I met Nick, who is always wonderful to me, even when we're arguing.

For the most part, I'm happy with him, with Sophie and the baby on the way, with my life in general. He gave me the greatest necklace yesterday and afterwards, we were very passionate and intimate and it was one of the best nights I've had recently. However, I got the feeling today that made me question how my life would be if I hadn't encountered Nick or if I had left Sophie with Lisa and Peter. If I had been with Michael, I would've surely went to Vegas. From what I hear, it's not all it's cracked up to be, but it would've been my life. I would've only been responsible for myself.

I'm getting bigger now. It's becoming more evident that I'm growing a life within me. I try harder to stay careful. I'm totally the opposite of how I used to be. I would find ways to be reckless. Now, I'm careful, and the careful life is boring at times. Since Michael's death last week, Nick's probably thought that I've been acting weird and distant because of it. I'm not upset about it. I did think about Michael a lot this week, but I've realized he wouldn't have listened to me, no matter how hard I tried. I've also thought that Nick was being weird and distant. He said that it had something to do with the council meeting last week, so I left it at that. I don't want to know, unless it's going to continue to weigh down on him, but we're trying.

Sometimes, I feel the need to argue with Nick, just so I can feel like we're not perfect. We used to be different, less than perfect. I don't feel like we're perfect all of the time, but there has been moments when I wonder if we are like how other people here in Boulder see us. Amanda Jacobs, the town's gossip, has probably told anyone that would listen about my pregnancy. Some of the other women look at me with fascination or jealousy, like I'm just as powerful as Mother Abagail or I'm some town slut that's persuaded Nick to make me an honest woman.

When I was at the library yesterday, a woman named Kelsey Moore came up to me and addressed me as Mrs. Andros. She asked me how I felt about Nick choosing Fran Goldsmith over me in the council. I told her that I didn't want to be in the council and she looked at me with this look on her face, this knowing look. What did she know? I have no clue, but it seemed to me that in her mind, Nick is JFK and I'm Jackie O; the silent, unsuspecting wife who says nothing, even when something's wrong. If Kelsey thinks all of that just because of the council, I wonder what she thinks when I'm with Sophie and Nick's not around.

I'm tired. I'm done with thinking. I'm going to bed.

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