Any allusions that I have had about my relationship with Nick have completely diminished. I'm not going to lie. There had been a period of time when I was sure that our relationship was nothing more than physical and eventually, I'd be ready to move on from him. I'd thought that I was fooling myself into loving him and believing that all of his sentiments and honesty was fine, but not what I wanted for myself and my survival. The pregnancy was something that I knew was a possibility but still a surprise to me and Nick nonetheless. Even when I was terrified of losing the baby, I still thought that I would raise the baby and Sophie alone. I guess that all of my assumptions have changed.
Right now, I am sitting in the bedroom that I share with Nick, and I am terrified. There is no reason for me to be terrified other than the fact that there is a man out west in Las Vegas who probably wants to destroy everyone here in Boulder. More and more people come here everyday with a newfound hope and sense of being now that the hard part is over and they've gotten to where they needed to be. However, no-one can deny the fact that if we dreamed about Mother Abigail and she was real, that means that Flagg is real as well. If we're not proactive in trying to stop him, none of us here in Boulder will survive. That includes not only my unborn child but Fran Goldsmith's and children that belongs to any other pregnant women here. I guess that's why Nick is steadfast in trying to create the committee.
I've been dreading that moment, when the committee would be created and Nick would be consumed with plans that the committee will undoubtedly come up with because he is the leader of the Free Zone. The word "committee" makes me cringe, but I understand Nick's need to get the ball rolling. The electricity is still not on and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person who is ready to stop eating canned foods. Besides that, more things need to be done. Boulder needs a doctor because no matter how hard Dick studies, he is still just a veterinarian. The freecycle shop that Lucy Swann and Dayna Jurgens opened is a success, but the grocery stores need to be cleaned out because the spoiled food smells horrid. Kids need to go to school, so there has to be plans to create one and above all of these things that need to be done, we need to figure out what Flagg has planned for us. Ladies and Gentlemen, the carnival is over. It's time to get back to real life.
I guess the reason why I'm writing this journal entry, after not writing in a long time and promising myself that I wouldn't need to write anymore, is because I saw the future. I took a nap today while Nick was hard at work on whatever he was doing, and I had a dream. I dreamt of Nick 20 years from now, when society is up and running, and we are just regular people again. He would no longer be "The Leader of the Boulder Free Zone." He would just be Nicholas Andros and I would just be Lily Austen, or Lily Andros, depending on what happens now. Our son or daughter would most likely be in college and Sophie would most likely be out in the world, maybe married with children. We will most likely have more children after this baby and they would probably be between adulthood and adolescence. The friendships that we have now would probably be gone as the people that we have met here would undoubtedly go back to their hometowns or other places more foreign than Boulder. It was a good dream.
That dream will never come true if Randall Flagg has anything to do with it. He is planning something and though he is strong, he isn't strong enough to just wipe us out with a snap of his finger. He will get some of the people there in Las Vegas to do it for him. One of those people may be Julie Lawry, the woman that once tried to kill Nick before. That scares me more than anything. I can be healthy as a horse and this pregnancy can be completely effortless, but none of that will matter if, and when, Flagg acts out his plan to obliterate us. I shouldn't be worried about any of this, as this is Nick's job now, but I love him and he is the father of my baby. When he worries, I worry.
I should get some sleep now, because tomorrow is another day with a whole new set of joy, pain, issues and concerns.