Friday, September 4, 2009

The Good Ol' Days

9:15 pm...

I had a pretty crappy day today. I'll be 10 weeks on Monday, and I guess that I'm just overwhelmed because it seems like nothing went right today and on top of all that, I started to miss my parents. I got sad and weepy because they're not here to meet Nick and help me with the wedding, as well as congratulate me and Nick on the baby. I know they'd be happy that I finally found someone to settle down and have a family with someone (definitely not from Bayfield).

But, they're gone. They're dead on the couch in the living room at home. I didn't say goodbye. Their last words to me was "we'll see you tomorrow, Lillian." I never saw them again and I miss them and I want to go home, where I don't have to worry about some devil incarnate threatening to nuke our new community and I don't have to worry about my fiance being a politician. I want to go home.

I've been taking it easy with the physical stuff. I don't chase after Sophie a great deal and I've taken up the art of extreme sitting. In about two weeks, I'll up the physical stuff again. For now, I just want to be careful. I want to get to 12 weeks and I'll be fine. I pray everyday that I get to 12 weeks without any complications. Early in the pregnancy, I was still very active and even after the spotting incident, I still overdid at times. Now, I've done almost a complete 360. I just want this baby to be safe.

Nick is doing a little better. It was just a normal cold. He still has a day or two to go, but he's going to be fine. I don't think we communicate as well as we used to. Maybe we'll get that fixed during the time he's at home. We won't be doing much else, so I think this is the best time to work on our communication. I know that sounds strange to say, a deaf-mute man working on communication with his fiancee, who can hear and talks a lot, but I feel much more comfortable with him than I do with, say, Larry Underwood.

I'm heading to bed now. Good night all.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Lucky, Lucky Me

11:57 pm...

I have to be one of the luckiest women in this new world. Nick was gone for most of the day, but we did spend some time together before he went to sleep. He said he was coming down with a cold and two thoughts crossed my mind instantaneously. The first thought was that he had a late strain of Captain Trips and I was going to watch him die. The second thought was I was glad he doesn't have Captain Trips, but I had to keep the baby safe. I think he was thinking along those lines as well because he offered to sleep in the guest bedroom until he felt better. Since I'm used to sleeping with him in our bed, I asked him to sleep with me tonight. We didn't have sex tonight, but I think he was just too tired and sick to care. So, we went to bed.

I don't sleep well, despite the fatigue I've been having. I take naps during the day, so it's harder for me to actually go to sleep at night, which is I'm blogging instead of sleeping next to my wonderful fiance.

I find it odd sometimes that I can communicate with someone who can't hear or talk to me better than someone that can hear and/or talk to me. It's definitely odd, but wonderful at the same time. I told Nick earlier tonight that I was sad about the sonogram issue I've been having, and the first thing he says is that he'll ask Dr. Ellis if we can use the genny (generator, for those who are wondering) to have one. Isn't he wonderful or what?

I also find myself very comfortable with our comfortable silences. I know that most of the time we spend together is silent, but it can be terribly uncomfortable when we have our uncomfortable silences and it can be so welcoming when we have comfortable silences. I look at Nick when we're in the middle of comfortable silences and I think about how beautiful he is and how beautiful our little boy or girl will be just from his genes alone. I'm pretty, but I didn't conceive little Rudy or Hope by myself. Luckily, I found someone who is gentle and sweet and protective of our little family.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Cheese Blog

9:44 pm...

I miss cheese. I know this is the last thing I should write a blog about, but that's the thing I miss about being in Wisconsin. I heard California has some really awesome cheese, but Wisconsin cheese is what I'm craving big time. A nice big double cheeseburger with chili cheese fries sounds so fucking good right now. I can't wait for the electricity to be turned on. Also, a nice wheel of Brie would be Heaven sent.

My family was seafood lovers and I was a cheese lover. I could basically take or leave seafood, but if someone sent me some Brie or made some mac and cheese, I was in seventh heaven. I used to hate cheese when I was little. I wouldn't even eat cheese for money but when I had my first bite of my friend's lasagna, I instantly fell in love. After that, I went into the pursuit of finding good cheese. I am now a really big fan of Brie, Mozzarella, Provolone, American, Cheddar and Gouda.

Unfortunately, it's impossible for me to have any of those cheeses right now because the refrigerators are not on and all of the cheeses are rancid. I can't even have milk right now and I've had to settle with orange juice w/calcium, or prenatal vitamins and Vitamin Water or Propel or Snapple or whatever drink that doesn't need to be refrigerated. I'm too afraid to double up on the prenatal vitamins because I don't want to hurt the baby. I've also become a little avoid-y of sex with Nick. I can tell he's itching to have sex with me, but I might have become a little paranoid. It's not like Nick and I were into rough, S & M sex, but I can now see why he was suddenly so careful once we found out about the baby. In three weeks, he'll get the time of his life, though.

I'll be 9 weeks pregnant in two days. If I can just get to the second trimester without any problems, I will be so happy. I just keep telling myself "Three weeks, Lily. Three weeks and I'll be out of the woods." I'm anxious just thinking about it.

Well, it's time for me to go to sleep. I'm going to be teaching Sophie how to count in the morning. My brilliant little girl already learned how to read and soon, I'm going to teach her how to tie her shoes.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Bride to Be

11:28 pm...

Yesterday, I asked Nick to marry me. It's been pretty busy during the last week or so, so there hasn't been many posts. I also haven't done a lot of writing because this is my own little memoir that was only supposed to be as long as my travels were. However, there are times when I feel that I need to write something. This is one of those days. I've been on cloud nine since he said yes. I know that it's traditional for him to ask me, but I'm a little impatient and the big meeting a few days ago brought everything into perspective for me.

Harold Lauder decided to propose that all of the committee members should work on a more permanent basis, and Nick didn't turn it down. There was a part of me that felt (a little) like a fool because Nick has been telling me that he couldn't wait to get off of the council so he can spend time with me and Sophie. However, I can't say that I blame him because I know that he wants to make sure that Boulder is functioning properly. When we first got together and before then, his concern was for everyone, the people. So, I understand the logic and I hope that after some time, especially when it gets closer to having the baby, he'll ease off of the committee work to spend time with us.

(By the way, I hate Harold Lauder, and I can tell that he's not exactly fond of me. He probably thinks that I'm less than Fran Goldsmith, the object of his affection, but she's not with him, is she?)

You know the saying, "You can't make a whore into a housewife?" Well, I guess you can. Nick did. I know that I shouldn't call myself a whore, but I'm a realistic woman. I'm young and I had fun when I was single. I wasn't looking to commit to anyone, but things changed and I realized that it was time to roll with the punches or go insane in the midst of dead bodies somewhere between Wisconsin and Illinois. There were some things that I wish were different, some things that I wished never happened, but I think I learned from it and I'm better because of it. When it comes to sex and relationships, I'm done. No more casual sex or frivolousness. This is it: my first, last and only serious relationship. I love this man and I want to marry him. I would say that I wanted to carry his children, but I'm already doing that.

It's way past when I would normally go to sleep, but I'm floating and giggly. I have to tell someone, even if it's just me in this journal. Well, good night all.

Friday, July 24, 2009

That Old Nagging Feeling

11:25 pm...

I spent today wondering how life would be if I hadn't changed. I was quite happy with my life before the accident, screwing any man I could get my hands on and being carefree. With the exception of my parents' feelings, I didn't care what anyone thought. Then, the accident happened. I didn't have much time to consider if I would have changed once I was fully recovered, because Captain Trips came blowing in and wiped most of everyone out. Then, Michael came along. I guess that was maybe my chance to become monogamous. However, he turned out to be the wrong guy for me. He went to Vegas and I met Nick, who is always wonderful to me, even when we're arguing.

For the most part, I'm happy with him, with Sophie and the baby on the way, with my life in general. He gave me the greatest necklace yesterday and afterwards, we were very passionate and intimate and it was one of the best nights I've had recently. However, I got the feeling today that made me question how my life would be if I hadn't encountered Nick or if I had left Sophie with Lisa and Peter. If I had been with Michael, I would've surely went to Vegas. From what I hear, it's not all it's cracked up to be, but it would've been my life. I would've only been responsible for myself.

I'm getting bigger now. It's becoming more evident that I'm growing a life within me. I try harder to stay careful. I'm totally the opposite of how I used to be. I would find ways to be reckless. Now, I'm careful, and the careful life is boring at times. Since Michael's death last week, Nick's probably thought that I've been acting weird and distant because of it. I'm not upset about it. I did think about Michael a lot this week, but I've realized he wouldn't have listened to me, no matter how hard I tried. I've also thought that Nick was being weird and distant. He said that it had something to do with the council meeting last week, so I left it at that. I don't want to know, unless it's going to continue to weigh down on him, but we're trying.

Sometimes, I feel the need to argue with Nick, just so I can feel like we're not perfect. We used to be different, less than perfect. I don't feel like we're perfect all of the time, but there has been moments when I wonder if we are like how other people here in Boulder see us. Amanda Jacobs, the town's gossip, has probably told anyone that would listen about my pregnancy. Some of the other women look at me with fascination or jealousy, like I'm just as powerful as Mother Abagail or I'm some town slut that's persuaded Nick to make me an honest woman.

When I was at the library yesterday, a woman named Kelsey Moore came up to me and addressed me as Mrs. Andros. She asked me how I felt about Nick choosing Fran Goldsmith over me in the council. I told her that I didn't want to be in the council and she looked at me with this look on her face, this knowing look. What did she know? I have no clue, but it seemed to me that in her mind, Nick is JFK and I'm Jackie O; the silent, unsuspecting wife who says nothing, even when something's wrong. If Kelsey thinks all of that just because of the council, I wonder what she thinks when I'm with Sophie and Nick's not around.

I'm tired. I'm done with thinking. I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Day Off

2:11 am...

Nick took the day off today, and I have to admit that I had fun with him and Sophie. We spent the day at the park and at home, playing board games. Sophie has grown fond of Nick, which makes me happy because we can become one seamless family if Nick and I can get Sophie to adjust to us and the baby. She was an only child, like Nick and I were, so we're going to have to watch her to make sure that she is comfortable with being a big sister. She seems to be fine, but things can change.

Nick seemed to be alright with taking the day off. He didn't seem to miss the maintenance shed or the power plant, and he didn't take a lot of notes. If he wasn't enjoying himself, he didn't show it. His attention was on me, Sophie and the baby. The one thing that did annoy me was that he kept asking if I was okay. It's bad enough when he asks me before, after and during the time that we're intimate, but he doesn't need to ask when I'm doing nothing more than extreme sitting. I understand that I did have that scare over a week ago, but I've been taking it easy. It would annoy the hell out of him if I kept asking him if he was okay.

Okay, enough with the ranting because it could be worse. Nick could be a violent jerk who would want me to find a way to get rid of the baby. He could be slapping me around, no matter if I was pregnant or not. If asking me if I'm okay is the worst, I'm lucky as hell.

I've been thinking a lot about names for baby girls. I'm not looking at names for boys because it's either going to be Nick Jr. or Rudy. The other day, the name Ruby popped up and today, it was Hope. I like the name Hope because that was what Nick gave me when I was traveling to Nebraska to meet him. The baby gave us hope for a wonderful future. If it's a girl, I'll name her Hope Ruby. Isn't that a pretty name?

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Carnival is Over

11:11 pm...

Any allusions that I have had about my relationship with Nick have completely diminished. I'm not going to lie. There had been a period of time when I was sure that our relationship was nothing more than physical and eventually, I'd be ready to move on from him. I'd thought that I was fooling myself into loving him and believing that all of his sentiments and honesty was fine, but not what I wanted for myself and my survival. The pregnancy was something that I knew was a possibility but still a surprise to me and Nick nonetheless. Even when I was terrified of losing the baby, I still thought that I would raise the baby and Sophie alone. I guess that all of my assumptions have changed.

Right now, I am sitting in the bedroom that I share with Nick, and I am terrified. There is no reason for me to be terrified other than the fact that there is a man out west in Las Vegas who probably wants to destroy everyone here in Boulder. More and more people come here everyday with a newfound hope and sense of being now that the hard part is over and they've gotten to where they needed to be. However, no-one can deny the fact that if we dreamed about Mother Abigail and she was real, that means that Flagg is real as well. If we're not proactive in trying to stop him, none of us here in Boulder will survive. That includes not only my unborn child but Fran Goldsmith's and children that belongs to any other pregnant women here. I guess that's why Nick is steadfast in trying to create the committee.

I've been dreading that moment, when the committee would be created and Nick would be consumed with plans that the committee will undoubtedly come up with because he is the leader of the Free Zone. The word "committee" makes me cringe, but I understand Nick's need to get the ball rolling. The electricity is still not on and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person who is ready to stop eating canned foods. Besides that, more things need to be done. Boulder needs a doctor because no matter how hard Dick studies, he is still just a veterinarian. The freecycle shop that Lucy Swann and Dayna Jurgens opened is a success, but the grocery stores need to be cleaned out because the spoiled food smells horrid. Kids need to go to school, so there has to be plans to create one and above all of these things that need to be done, we need to figure out what Flagg has planned for us. Ladies and Gentlemen, the carnival is over. It's time to get back to real life.

I guess the reason why I'm writing this journal entry, after not writing in a long time and promising myself that I wouldn't need to write anymore, is because I saw the future. I took a nap today while Nick was hard at work on whatever he was doing, and I had a dream. I dreamt of Nick 20 years from now, when society is up and running, and we are just regular people again. He would no longer be "The Leader of the Boulder Free Zone." He would just be Nicholas Andros and I would just be Lily Austen, or Lily Andros, depending on what happens now. Our son or daughter would most likely be in college and Sophie would most likely be out in the world, maybe married with children. We will most likely have more children after this baby and they would probably be between adulthood and adolescence. The friendships that we have now would probably be gone as the people that we have met here would undoubtedly go back to their hometowns or other places more foreign than Boulder. It was a good dream.

That dream will never come true if Randall Flagg has anything to do with it. He is planning something and though he is strong, he isn't strong enough to just wipe us out with a snap of his finger. He will get some of the people there in Las Vegas to do it for him. One of those people may be Julie Lawry, the woman that once tried to kill Nick before. That scares me more than anything. I can be healthy as a horse and this pregnancy can be completely effortless, but none of that will matter if, and when, Flagg acts out his plan to obliterate us. I shouldn't be worried about any of this, as this is Nick's job now, but I love him and he is the father of my baby. When he worries, I worry.

I should get some sleep now, because tomorrow is another day with a whole new set of joy, pain, issues and concerns.