Friday, July 3, 2009

Maternal Instincts

9:58 pm...

I should be asleep, but I'm not. Since I found out that I was pregnant, I haven't had a lot of sleep. I've caught up with sleep while Nick has been making his rounds, leading and whatnot, when I'm not shopping for new things for the house. It's really coming along. Just yesterday, Nick helped me put some flowers above the doorways. Also, I started painting again. I haven't painted since I was about 17 or 18. It felt good to go back to painting. It really, really did. I finished a painting in one day, on and off. Mind you, it wasn't a big, massive painting, but it was a painting nonetheless.

I started working on the nursery today. Nick hasn't seen it, though. I was going to show him today, but he was really tired because he'd had such a long day. He was taking care of issues concerning vandalism and getting the electricity turned back on. I didn't want to bug him about something as small as the nursery in progress, not tonight. However, I am thankful that Peter helped with some of the baby furniture that we "bought" from the store.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel like my relationship with Nick hasn't changed when we found out about the pregnancy. Maybe it was just a bad time, with the reorganization of Boulder happening right now, but I can't get un-pregnant. I mean, Nick has gotten...tentative with handling me. He's so nervous when it comes to certain things and I know that it's because he can't hear me, but I really wish that he would trust that I would let him know if he is doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable. He always tells me that it shouldn't get to that point, but I don't think that he understands that it hasn't gotten to that point and I don't think that it ever will. I mean, there has been some moments when he seems to be more comfortable with me, but it's getting a little far and few between. In some ways, our relationship has improved dramatically, but I'm starting to wonder if Nick thinks that I've changed now that I'm going to have a baby.

Maybe I have changed. Maybe I've gotten so protective of this baby that I'm neglecting my relationship with him. In the meantime, I've been spending so much time with Sophie, trying to prepare her for when she becomes a big sister while Nick's working on the BFZ. He needs me to encourage him and help him, not bombard him with wallpaper patterns and other kinds of baby stuff. I just don't want it to get to the point where we're in separate bedrooms, living separate lives before the baby comes. I think that's one of my biggest fears besides the ones that I have about the baby.

On the other hand, I learned some new things about Nick. For instance, he is a Scorpio and his middle name is Phillip. Please, do not ask me why I was just asking him about this stuff, now that I am pregnant. There are circumstances which I don't wish to divulge in. He's not a sports guy, either. That was a bit of a relief to hear. He also likes history museums, zoos and he used to like cycling, which isn't a big surprise since all of the cycling he probably had to do to get to the others. I also told him that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a little girl. I don't think that I've ever told anyone that, at least anyone that is alive now. I don't know I want to keep that a secret, but that is something that I like to keep to myself, along with the fact that I am kick ass at the piano.

I'm looking forward to getting to know more things about Nick so we can tell our child how we got to know each other. But for right now, I think what I need is sleep. Good night.

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