Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Close to Nebraska

11:50 pm...

Lisa, Peter, Sophie and I are close to Nebraska, but I'm getting the feeling that we need to get going to Colorado. I started feeling ill about thirty minutes ago, and I threw up twice. I think it's nerves, but it could be a baby. I haven't seen Michael today, which is good because that may mean that he's on his way to Vegas. There's still a part of me that misses him, that misses wanting to be bad and wild and all of those good/bad things that I used to be pre-Sophie. Hell, I even stopped craving a cigarette. Michael was the embodiment of my old ways and Sophie is the embodiment of the person I think that I want to be. Hell, if Flagg hadn't scared the shit out of me, I would probably be on my way to Vegas right now. I guess that people can change, even with Superflu wiping out the world.

I'm getting antsy. I can't wait to get to Boulder. It's like I can't wait to get there and settle down. Sophie and I may just move in with Peter and Lisa if we don't move in somewhere else. I have a feeling that we're not going to move in with Peter and Lisa, though it's nice to know that we have options. I don't normally trust men, but I feel like I can trust him. I have dreams that we're making love and though I can feel his touch and his kiss and hear him breathing, I wake up and I lose the memory of how it all feels. The only thing that I remember is the way his hand feels on my heart and the way that my heart is pounding against my chest and the feeling of his heart pound just as we...never mind.

I've found a dress that I'm going to wear just for when I meet Mother Abigail and him. I told Lisa that I wanted to look pretty for that occasion and she said that she will do something with my hair. It makes me happy, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he is the leader and he'll go down with "his ship," if need be. I'm afraid that I'll lose him. I had a dream once that he was gone and Fran Goldsmith's child was born, but I was pregnant and I think that it was his baby. I hope that it is his baby, that some part of him will live on if he dies. But, I promised that I would save him or die trying. I'm afraid that Michael will come and harm him. I don't know what I'll do if I lose him. He makes me feel things that I've never felt before, and I haven't even met him yet. It wouldn't be fair to find him if I'm just going to lose him. I have to do something.

I've got to go. Too many musings, so little time. Besides, we should head into Nebraska tonight since Peter is driving. Bye!

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