Thursday, June 11, 2009

Love and All of it's Difficulties

7:24 pm...

I've been doing a lot of sleeping, and not much eating, lately. Lisa has decided that she is going to fatten me up. I can't get too fat, since I still want to fit into my dress. However, I'm losing weight and I don't want the dress to look too loose. I had another dream today. I realized that I was in Boulder with Sophie and him. I was in the kitchen and Sophie was sitting at the breakfast bar. She was reading preschool books that I'd come across. I was cooking something from a can, but it smelled really nice compared to the smell of bodies. Sophie was reciting her ABCs. Then, he came in from some kind of work or meeting (?). He was happy, and I was happy. However, it always goes back to us making love. It's the most passionate, intense thing I've ever felt. Everytime I wake up, there are remnants of the dreams that always stay with me. Today, it was the feel of his kiss. I know, for sure, that I do intend on kissing him when I see him.

Lisa is more observant than I thought. After battling Mikey, which I thought was over now that he's on his way to Las Vegas, some other things happened and I ended up crying. Lisa noticed it and asked me if I was okay. She also asked if it had to do with "the boy who went to Vegas and left you with a four year old to fend for yourselves." I told her that it didn't have anything to do with him, but someone else. It didn't take her long to realize that the tears were tears of joy(?), fear (?) and anxiety. There are still so many questions and so many reasons to go to Vegas, but there are only four reasons to stay on the path to Nebraska or Colorado. I have a mother and a father, and a child and a possible husband or lover. In every dream that I have, I can feel his love for me with every touch that I feel. I don't need to hear it, not as much as I thought that I did. But, he said it today. He said, "I guess I do love you, after all," and I burst out crying and told him that he was just saying it so I wouldn't have to ask him to say it anymore. Then, he said it again after I told him that I loved him. He said, "I love you, too."

I don't think that I've actually heard it from anyone besides my adoptive parents and my birth mom. The closest that I heard from the guys that I was with was "I love your tits" or "I love the way you feel." This guy said that he loved me. He lets me be myself as freely as possible, and he never panics or flips out. He did almost get into it with Mikey today, but he listened to me when I asked him to stop. He trusts me to make my own decisions and I think that's what I need right now. But, I hope that our love won't be short lived. I want to get to Colorado or Nebraska now. I want to be with him. It feels like I'm just wasting time until I get to him.

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