Tuesday, June 16, 2009

There is Static...and then, there is Silence

9:33 am...

I just got up a little while ago, and pretty much threw up everything that I have eaten in the last three days. I used to throw up whenever I was stressed out when I was little. My mother had to take me to the doctor after I threw up multiple times for five days in a row. At the time, my parents were going through a rough patch and they were talking divorce; the first, last and only time that they'd ever mentioned it in my presence. All I could think of was that I didn't want them to split up because I'd be even more alone than I felt. I was four at the time.

Nick wasn't with me in the barn when I got up. Instead, it was Sophie, my daughter (whom I haven't seen much of lately). She's a thumbsucker, which is cute now. However, I'm going to have to wean her off, so she won't do it until it's not cute anymore. When I think about it, she looks like me when I was younger. Her hair is bordering between red and brown. Her eyes are blue, more blue than blue-green like mine. Her facial expressions are very similar to mine. I think that she's picking them up from me. I thought of her when I first got up, how alone she had to be when I found her.

I had found her after waking up to find that Mikey had left me for the first time. He knew that I didn't like being alone, and he had left me anyway after I told him that I wanted to go to Nebraska and at least check it out. I was walking down a street in Delafield, or Delavan and I heard shuffling. I didn't have a gun at the time but I was so pissed off, I could've ripped someone's head off with my bare hands. I turned the corner into an alley when I saw her for the first time. She was eating a candy bar and the chocolate had made its way more around her mouth than in it. She had found her way into a grocery store and their candy supply. When she saw me, she dropped the candy bar and said, "Please, don't hurt me."

Her eyes welled up and it broke my heart that this little girl thought that I was going to hurt her. I kneeled down and used one of Mikey's handkerchiefs to wipe her mouth off while I told her that I wasn't going to hurt her. After a moment, and after her mouth was clean, she threw herself into my arms and that's when I realized that I had to take her with me. However, this is not the focus of this entry.

When I was asleep last night, I had a really long bad dream that I really don't want to talk about. I'll just say that it ended with Mikey bringing me to Las Vegas to make me Flagg's bride. I feel like I am alienating the people that I am with by constantly going into the cornfield to think. Even after the plague, I still alienate people. Funny. The only people that I feel comfortable being honest with is Nick, Lisa and Sophie. Peter wasn't one to hover, so he trusted me to come to him if I needed to. Still, I am in a good place with good people. I should be able to communicate with them. Maybe I'm just not used to it because most people didn't want to get to know me back in Bayfield. I should really let these people in, for God's sake. I want everything to be different than it was back then.

That's all for today.

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