Sunday, June 14, 2009


8:55 am...

I didn't get much sleep last night. I didn't get to talk to Nick until 10 pm, CST. I think that Hemingford Home is an hour behind Wisconsin, so I didn't get to talk to Nick until 9 pm, MST. Most of the little time that we had together before we went to sleep was spent on Michael Parrish. We got into a big discussion on how he plans on coming to Boulder, with Julie Lawry. I guess that Nick put it in his mind that it was okay to go there when he was giving Mikey a talking-to, or Nick gave him the option and thinking that it would piss Nick off, Michael decided to come to Boulder, CO. The only thing is that Nick is not a man to get pissed off a great deal. However, he did bring up killing Mikey before Boulder. I have reservations about that because Michael is still a person, despite his words and actions. Plus, I feel bad because he was the one who thought it wise to get out of Bayfield. So, part of me feels like I owe him everything for helping me stay alive and leading me to Nick.

Some of the other topics that we talked about was the reason I ended up with so many names. I could've gave him to condensed version, which is that most people don't like calling me by my middle name. I hate the name Anastasia, so I call myself Lilly. I was in the process of changing it when Chris got drunk and crashed the car. Then, everyone died and it was too late to start the legal process. So, I just decided to call myself Lilly. The reason it came up, though, is because I told him that Lisa and Peter were looking for him so they could have "the talk" with him. Nick told me what his intentions were with me, but I'm not saying anything until we're in Boulder. I plan on telling Sophie the good news today, though there is a part of me that worries that she may tell the others. It's going to be a bit of a secret for a few days, though. I still need to grasp it myself.

We also talked about children. I told him, since I wasn't necessarily sure if he realized it, that we weren't protected when we made love the other night. Then, he proceeded to ask me if I was worried about having his child. I thought about that question and what I could possibly be worried about if I was. I thought about Nick not being able to hear me or talk to me and if our child would live in a silent world as well. I thought about Mikey and what he could do to me that would endanger the baby. I also thought about the superflu and whether or not my baby could die from it, even if Nick and I were immune. Then, I figured this: I love Nick and I don't care if he can't hear me or talk to me. He knows that I love him. I know that he loves me and he never had to say it. I know it from the way that he touches me and the way that he looks at me. So, if our child is also a deaf-mute, we will give him the same kind of love that we have for one another and Sophie. Mikey will leave me alone, even if I have to kill him. And the Superflu? I'm just going to have to pray and hope that my and Nick's immunity will pass on to him.

I was quite shocked that Nick told me that he was hoping that our first time resulted in a baby. I mean, we were both people that spent a lot of our lives caring for ourselves and even the thought of a baby makes me unsure, though I do think about having one with him. However, Nick is so sure of himself and I guess that's why he's our leader. His certainty is so strong, it gets hard not to have that same kind of certainty about him. I understand why he wants a baby. He's 22 and he's survived a plague that wiped out about 98-99% of the world. He's fallen in love with someone who's just as madly in love with him. When he makes love to her, it brings tears to her eyes because it feels so wonderful. However, there is someone who is threatening their relationship, and his future with this woman altogether. If she's pregnant with his child and carries it to term, it would give him hope for a better future and nothing will be able to tear them apart. At least, that's what I think that he's thinking. Plus, someone has to carry on his legacy.

But now I'm going to get to the topic of this entry: the dreams. I didn't have many of them last night and I slept a little better than I did the night before, but Nick had a bad dream last night. Something told me to wake up and when I did, I found him tossing and turning. He was mouthing words, trying to talk. I tried waking him up, but I couldn't. Finally, he did wake up. However, he was so upset. He said that the people in the West might try to nuke us. I don't know why, but I believe him. I had never seen him so upset before and all I could do was hold him and wish that I end up pregnant with his son, just like in the dream that I had. The only exception would be that he would be there, right by my side to welcome his son into the world. There has to be something that I can do for Nick besides step back and let him lead. I don't want him to be the one who has to go down with his ship. It wouldn't be fair.

That's all for right now. See you later!

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