Sunday, June 21, 2009

To Wish Impossible Things...

9:48 pm...

I'm writing this while Nick is asleep. I just had a bad dream and that is what has me up. The dream was about my baby with Nick and the Superflu. I should've known that I was going to dream about it. In the dream, I gave birth to the baby, but it was dead and it looked like those who had suffered at the hands of Captain Trips. Actually, it looked worse. All I could do was scream and cry. Fucking dream! I don't know when Nick came in tonight, but I do know that he had probably seen the candles on the table that I had blown out before I went to bed. I had to throw out the dinner that I made for the two of us, but that's okay. I am also wearing a sexy little nightgown that I was too tired to show him. Our first full night in Boulder and we end up sleeping. Sophie is away and we're finally home and we sleep.

It's okay, though. Maybe sleep is what we need. I think about how much sleep we (and when I say "we," I mean everyone) lost because of the dreams of Mother Abigail and Flagg, and I wonder if we all just should sleep in for a few days, a week at the most. Then after that, we should get everything in order, maybe? I'm pretty sure that I sound like an idiot, but it would be a good idea.

More people are coming soon, from the sound of it. There's about 20-30 of us here already, and there will be hundreds more before Fall. There's so much that needs to be done like cleaning up the places where corpses are, turning on the electricity, making sure that food will be stocked for everyone so we all won't starve to death, looking for a doctor and figuring out who else is going to be on the committee. If I had my way, I know who wouldn't be on the committee, and it would be Nick. I know that I shouldn't be that selfish and demanding, but I know that Frannie would probably feel the same way if she was me and Stu was the leader of the people. Lucy would feel that way as well if it was Larry. I have to stand back and it would be best to stay away from all committee business. I'm fine with that, but what I'm not fine with is the fact that some people may start to question Nick's leadership again if I get involved with committee business. Now, I'm all for helping Nick sort out his notes and thoughts and lists, but that's as involved as I'm going to be, for the people of Boulder's sake.

Nick has already threatened to forfeit leadership before and as much as I complain about him being the leader, I saw the fear in Dick's eyes when he realized that Nick was serious. At that point, I felt like it no longer had anything to do with me even though it did. However, it became something more along the lines of what Nick was probably thinking of doing before all hell broke loose. Could he have been already questioning leaving his leadership position before all of that hubbub with me and Mikey? I know that he was unsure about being the leader, but he was going to downright abandon everyone (including Mother Abigail) if I had left. He even went to the liquor store and got drunk. It was shocking for me to see Nick that way but at the same time, it was comforting to know that he wasn't calm all of the time and that he loves me enough to be that mad and that he is willing to protect me from anything. However, that doesn't mean that I want him to.

I guess that I'm going to bed now. I want to snuggle in close to Nick. Good night!

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